The Glorious Cycle of Songs

Hujan emas di negara orang...

2012-01-23T21:05:00.000+11:00

I. cannot. wait. to. go. back. to. Malaysia.

Okay, perhaps towards the end of my stint here I probably will go all nostalgic and weepy on Melbourne, but right now, I honestly cannot imagine spending more time here. I love Melbourne, I do. I love the city, the shopping, the events (like watching the Australian Open last Wednesday was SUPER awesome!), the facilities, and so many things great about it but this place that I've been calling home for the past few years is not exactly home. I can't even see it as home. There was a time a year or so ago when I was actually thinking of settling down here, but now, I really don't think so.

I've tried to make Melbourne home for the past few years but I've failed at it miserably. There's no family here, no friends (most of my friends had left or are leaving), no loved ones, no familiarity. It's just like a place where I'm just supposed to get some things done. There's no living here. There's just going through the (slow) motions of graduate studies. Maybe it's PhD that's making me feel this way. I guess if I were to do my undergrads here, I might feel differently, but PhD is just a long, lonesome, terribly quiet journey that saps the happiness and life out of you. It's like a dementor! Hahaha. So no, I don't think I want to spend another year here - at least not like this.

So yes, I cannot wait to actually start living my life.

Lemonade

2012-01-20T22:35:00.002+11:00

The life that we life now is shaped by the choices and decisions we made. Most, if not all, are made in complete consciousness and awareness of what ifs and what nexts. So why do we now sit around and moan about how life isn't exactly how we imagine it to be? Isn't it selfishness on our part and to the people around us? Isn't it cruelty that we inflict on ourselves - all the moaning, the complaining, the merajuk-ing, the throwing tantrums, the depressions, the moodiness - just because we don't particularly enjoy the life we have now?

But at least we have a life.

You know the old saying that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Tacky, yes; but true. So why do we long for mangoes to make mango juice when lemonade can be the best drink we ever had?

Another New Year's resolution

2012-01-09T10:16:00.001+11:00

I think I've spent the past 3 years groaning about my thesis, so I believe, this time, this must end.

No point in groaning about my work because:

1. No one cares.

2. No one really understands.

3. It doesn't make it any easier. Not like the thesis is going to write itself because I complain about it ALL THE TIME.

4. It makes me miserable.

5. It makes me feel pitiful.

6. Why focus on the depressing parts of my life when I can focus on the other more positive parts?

7. I know so many other people who is having far challenging struggles in their PG studies - people like my good friend, Ping, Kak Intan and Suraya, whom despite their difficulties, decided to just march forward and don't look back.

So, this is another New Year's resolution:

JUST DO IT! JUST WRITE THE THESIS!

Hehe.

This is the way to start the New Year!

2012-01-06T17:13:00.003+11:00

I made a pledge with myself to start the New Year with something crazy, something I've never done before. So while I was in New Zealand, I decided to do this:

Looking at this video again and again, I can't believe I was crazy enough to jump 40 meters off the Auckland bridge. Hah! The thought of falling is the scariest of all. Once you jump, you just let go and enjoy the ride. It IS kinda awesome, actually. But one thing's for certain, once is enough and I'll probably NEVER do it again! One small jump is enough to last me a lifetime. Hehe. But I am very proud of myself to be able to just jump. I feel like I'm so cool. Hahahaha. What a way to boost the ego to start a brand new year, huh? =p

2011 in review and 2012 resolutions

2011-12-25T11:37:00.000+11:00

What happened in 2011:

1. Celebrated the New Year in Times Square, New York! Miserable experience though. It was too cold. My brother and I stood in the freezing cold (and starving too!) for a solid 8 hours and the countdown was disappointing. BUT, at least we get to say we celebrated NY in NY, you know? Haha.

The crowd at Times Square

This is me bored out of my mind.

See that round thing? That's the famed ball.

This is me bored out of my mind and extremely cold! Ended up sleeping on the sidewalk on my brother's lap for 30 mins. Hahahaha. Who else can say that they slept on the sidewalk of Times Square New York, huh? ;D

2. Had my confirmation in July. Was so nervous but so relieved to finally be a second year PhD candidate. Got a new co-supervisor, whom I think is so intelligent that he gets kinda intimidating but I actually enjoy our sessions together because I learned A LOT from him. Looking forward to spending next year with him (and also my main supervisor who has been here from the start!). Cewah, I sound so jiwang. Haha.

3. Went to Tasmania and fell in love with that place. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Tassie. The downside was we didn't get to see the famed Wineglass Bay because the viewing platform was closed for renovation and the track down to the Bay itself is about 3 hours with steep climb. But otherwise, the trip was great despite the fact that the weather wasn't so good when we were there.

Beraksi di tengah jalan raya di Mount Wellington, Hobart

A view from one of the bays in Freycinet National Park, Coles Bay

This place is SUPER AWESOME - Cataract Gorge, Launceston. Right in the middle of the city!

4. Went back home and met my three musketeers!

Iman Amani

Amni Nadira

Muhammad 'Nak Kuar' Ammar (because he cannot stay indoors, selalu 'nak kuar!'. Met him for the first time this year!)

5. I lost 7 kg this year! Woo hoo! But I regained 3 kg, thanks to Mak's FABULOUS cooking when I went home in September but managed to lose 2 kg of it as of today. But anyways, I lost weight and it feels great! =D

These are the highlights of my year. Other than that, I spent the rest of the year studying. Acewah, macam la rajin sangat. Haha.

2012 resolutions:

1. Attend conferences.

2. Publish a paper.

3. Lose another 10 kg!

4. The ultimate, almost impossible resolution is to submit my thesis in early December 2012. But that's Mission Impossible so I'm just gonna work and see what happens from there.

5. Stop over-thinking, stop over-worrying, stop judging and try to be a wholesome person. And yes: STOP EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM OTHER PEOPLE! Stop being too angry and too bitter to the world and its people.

6. Spend more time on the prayer mat than on the bed! Read more religious books.

7. Khatam Quran.

8. Visit at least one more state in Australia. I really want to go to the Northern Territory and see the Uluru, but it's too darn expensive! But maybe I will, InshaAllah.

9. Buy a DeLonghi espresso machine! Hahaha. Ini sangat la materialistic, but I really want an espresso machine. Nak beli bawak balik Malaysia. The cheapest DeLonghi is $299, so I'm aiming for that one. But kalau takde duit nanti, I'll settle for a Sunbeam espresso machine for $100 plus. The downside is that Sunbeam is an Aussie brand so kalau bawak balik Malaysia and it breaks down there, takde tempat nak baiki. So might as well beli DeLonghi je kan? Ngehehehehe.

Before anyone asks, getting married and settling down is in my list of things to do but for now, I'll leave it to God. If somehow He says I could get married in 2012, then Alhamdulillah. If not, I'll just enjoy my 28th year in style and in gratitude, InshaAllah. =)

Happy New Year, everyone! See you after New Year!

Questions

2011-12-20T21:27:00.001+11:00

Why do friends, after we've grown up, lose their importance? How many friends have we ignored and forgotten about in times of happiness and new beginnings? Despite the fact that they were the ones who laughed and cried with us for years on end and circled around our lives in the not-so-distant past. Why do they just lose their significance? Do we wake up one day realizing that they don't matter anymore?

It's like a ship that sinks in the middle of the vast ocean.

So what happens to friendship for Jannah?

Versus

2011-12-17T20:43:00.002+11:00

I don't see things as black and white as you do. I still see a lot of gray areas where you see certainty and serenity. So sometimes, you make me feel like I am not a good person. But trust me, I am struggling. Every single day.

This is a pointless entry because I don't want to write my thesis

2011-12-12T20:47:00.003+11:00

I hate doing laundry. It takes too much energy (see how lazy I can be?). But nevertheless, I do it twice a week sebab nanti takde baju nak pakai. Tapi nak lipat baju takes dayssss. Ni baju basuh minggu lepas tak lipat lagi. Kalau Mak nampak sure dia bising.

I hate cutting vegetables. Tak suka the loooong task of potong sayur satu-satu. Kat sini, I always buy baby spinach because they are yummy but also because TAK PAYAH POTONG. Basuh je. Maybe because I'm quite particular bila masak so it takes a long time for me to cook. Kalau ada sayur, tambah masa lagi. So leceh.

Kenapa cookies boleh jadi keras after baking? Baked for too long? Terlebih butter? Terlebih gula? I baked some soft-baked cookies last week but they stayed soft only for a day. The next day dah keras. So disappointed.

I love summer because the days are long. Kalau keluar, tak payah kalut nak kejar masa untuk solat. But I also hate summer sebab solat Isyak masuk lambat sangat. Contradictory much?

Sexist, much?

2011-12-06T23:39:00.003+11:00

I was disgusted when I read the status update on a da'wah FB page calling all women to take down their FB profile pictures. It gives the analogy of having men stare at you and drool over you and you'll be responsible for it.

Yes, to one extend that is true because we really need to be careful with the things we put online. But to another extend that is so sexist! Why? Because it takes two to tango, Mister! For me, kalau gambar tu tak menggoda dengan pakaian seksi, senyuman seksi, itu ini dan diletakkan dengan niat menggoda, I don't see the harm in it. Okay, hijabis yang duduk blog pasal themselves and fashion etc tu lain, sebab memang I sangat disagree with many of their ways. But that's another story altogether. Here, especially on FB or any other social networking websites, the pictures you put online are used so that people can identify who you are. Lagipun kan, aren't men also responsible kalau dia duduk goggle over a woman who is not his mahram? Kalau dia duduk save those pictures and do nasty things to them, bukankah dia jugak yang salah and will be accounted for it later?

Why is it that everyone is soooo concerned about women's clothes, pictures, this and that, but everyone puts a blind eye when put his pictures on FB, wearing shorts and sometimes shirtless. Takde orang pun keluarkan fatwa cakap tak elok itu ini. Why? Kalau dengan women, it's so easy to make things black and white but with men, banyak pulak ijtihadnya.

I'm not fighting over equal treatment of men and women. I don't believe in that - yes, I'm not a feminist. I believe a woman has her place and responsibilities, and a man has his place and responsibilities. I believe that men are the protectors of women and have some extent of control over them, which Allah has decreed. But I also believe that women can become independent, successful individuals not in spite of these controls but because of them. Itulah namanya didikan Islam yang mengajar manusia di mana limitations seseorang. Tapi kalau lelaki bagi macam-macam alasan perempuan tak boleh buat itu ini, tak boleh this and that, while turning a blind eye to the wrongdoings of men, that is what I call patriarchy and sexist. And that is far from what Islam preaches.

So stop taking pictures of women not wearing 'correct' hijab and clothings and whatever and putting them online dengan tujuan nak berdakwah la kononnya. Kawan awak yang main bola pakai seluar pendek tak pakai baju depan perempuan bukan mahramnya awak tak tegur pulak ye?

An asset

2011-12-05T12:05:00.005+11:00

Kan orang kata suami dan isteri yang baik tu membawa ke syurga kan?

Kalau kita ada suami/isteri yang baik (tapi of course kita pun kena baik), di Akhirat nanti, Allah akan janjikan pasangan ini akan hidup bersama di syurga. And not only that, kalau dia tu lagi baik dari kita - mungkin dari segi amalan, sifat, itu ini, etc - and belong to a higher heaven than us, kita akan bersama dinaikkan ke higher heaven to be with our spouse tu. Isn't that wonderful?

This is based on the story of Asma' binti Abu Bakr, the daughter of the first Caliph of Islam and one of the Prophet's most loyal companions. She came to see her father and complained to him about her husband, Zubair al-Awwam. She said that he was very (too) strict with her. Bear in mind that he wasn't beating her or anything that is against Islamic teachings, but maybe he was a bit demanding and controlling of her. Upon hearing that, Abu Bakr accepted Asma's complaints as being reasonable so he didn't reprimand her. But he advised her to be patient with him because according to the Prophet (saw), Zubair al-Awwam is one of the ten people that Allah has guaranteed paradise and so, he will be residing in one of the highest heavens. Abu Bakr told his daughter that if she desired to go there, she should stay and be patient with him.

This story is wonderful on so many levels. The first is the fact that Allah does not put a person down, but instead elevates his/her position. A good woman with a better husband will be going to the higher heaven where her husband belongs (so will a good man with a better wife). Second is the fact that patience has the utmost reward - unseen now, but so valuable later. Third is the way Abu Bakr advised his daughter. A feminist might accuse him of being patriarchal and not having his daughter's best interest in mind, but the fact that he reminded her to be patient, is nothing if not because he wanted her to be in a higher heaven. Such is the love of a father. And such is the faith of one of the best companions of the Prophet. Fourth is how much of an asset a good husband and a good wife is to his and her spouse. It's not now that matters, it's later, much later in the Hereafter. Stories like this make me feel so thankful and privileged to have been born a Muslim. Alhamdulillah.

So you see, perhaps I am not yet married because I am not yet a good enough woman who is able to bring my husband to a higher heaven. Because isn't that what we want for the ones we love? =)

Show some courtesy, please...

2011-12-04T20:32:00.006+11:00

Courtesy is the most underappreciated virtue. You don't bother asking permission or thinking about what others might think about your action is pure selfishness. Like not being bothered to tell your friend that you are not coming to the party until the eleventh hour, like not being bothered to call and ask permission from the host to see if you could bring a guest along to the party, like not being bothered to keep a promise you make to your friend simply because you think: Oh, s/he won't mind.

Most of the time, s/he does mind.

Courtesy is simple. You just ask. But for most people, asking is too much of a bother. Picking up the phone to text or call is too much of a bother. Keeping a promise is too much of a bother. Oh, fyi, 'InshaAllah' is not a maybe/maybe not. It's a promise that you make and you WILL keep UNLESS Allah has another plan for you. So if you are not sure, don't say InshaAllah. You are insulting Allah's name because unlike us, He keeps all His promises.

Lack of courtesy is selfishness. It's that simple.

And it is NOT okay.

Humbled

2011-12-03T11:28:00.002+11:00

There's nothing more humbling than waking up in the morning and realizing that whatever you have in this world is a gift from Allah. A gift that He can take back anytime. A gift that's not entirely yours in the first place. All this while you think you have it all but you actually have nothing. It's a reminder that amidst your money, house, car, spouse, children, job, friends, food and clothes, you actually have nothing at all.

Except for your faith in Allah.

Ya Allah, I am humbled. To You I lay my life, my fate and my everything else. Make me strong.

Matters of the Heart

2011-11-30T11:45:00.003+11:00

Okay, I'm not going to talk about romance or love or whatever along this line. What I'm referring to is the problem of the heart aka penyakit hati.

The problem with me is that I know what happens around me is Allah's will and His Way of showing me what is good for me, but there are so many times that I stumble, fall and forget about all this. On a good day, I could tell myself: "Yes, PhD is difficult, but I am meant to do this!" and walk around feeling oh-so-very-confident, with Queen's 'We are the Champion' as the theme song of my life. But when the going gets tough (and yes, it ALWAYS gets tough), I start getting frustrated and angry and just plain upset. I'll go like: "WHY AM I SPENDING 4 YEARS OF MY PRIME LIFE, STUCK IN MY ROOM IN FRONT OF THE PC 12 HOURS A DAY, WHEN THE GRASS LOOKS SO GREEN ON THE OTHER SIDE?!!". And I'll walk around feeling like I'm the most wretched being on earth (cue: Akon's 'Mr. Lonely').

I don't know who I'm angry or upset at. Myself, maybe? The situation? My thesis? My parents? GOD? I don't know. I'm just angry at nothing in particular but at everything in sight. Sometimes I feel like being angry like this means I'm angry at God, which is so wrong. Because it is as if I feel like I deserve better when God knows what I do and don't deserve. And it feels like I am the most ungrateful servant in the world.

Syima told me the story of how the Prophet Muhammad (saw) was driven out of Taif, limping and bleeding. When he finally got out of the city, he stopped under a tree and prayed to God. He did not complain about the people who threw stones at him, but rather, he apologized for his own weakness that led to the failure of his mission. I didn't get the point that Syima was trying to make when she told me this story, but I think I know now. Whatever wretchedness I may feel, whatever anger and frustration and disappointment, it is NOT because Allah is being unfair to me, but it is because I am committing evil against myself.

The Prophet's prayer goes like this:

"Wahai Tuhanku, kepada Engkau aku adukan kelemahan tenagaku dan kekurangan daya-upayaku pada pandangan manusia. Wahai Tuhan yang Maha Rahim kepada siapa Engkau menyerahkanku? Kepada musuh yang akan menerkamkan aku ataukah kepada keluarga yang engkau berikan kepadanya uruskanku, tidak ada keberatan bagiku asal aku tetap dalam keridhaanMu. Pengetahuan Mu lebih luas bagiku. Aku berlindung dengan cahaya mukaMu yang mulia yang menyinari segala langit dan menerangi segala yang gelap dan atasnyalah teratur segala urusan dunia dan akirat, dari Engkau menimpakan atas diriku kemarahanMu atau dari Engkau turun atasku azabMu kepada Engkaulah aku adukan permasalahanku sehingga Engkau ridha. Tidak ada daya dan upaya melainkan dengan Engkau"

But dear Lord, sometimes I have no idea how to get over it.

Realizations

2011-11-25T21:43:00.004+11:00

1. I read Homi Bhabha for the first time three years ago. I was then doing my Postgrad diploma and before that, had never heard about hybridity and the Third Space and mimic men and whatsoever theories that Bhabha is famous for. I found him almost impossible to deal with. It took me more than a week to read his essay on hybridity. It was horrifying. But now, I'm re-reading him for my thesis and I noticed that although I do find him baffling, he doesn't seem all that impossible anymore. I surely hope that this is a sign of my intellectual maturity that should come after 2 years of PhD.

2. I have an anger and frustration issue. I get angry and frustrated so very easily when things don't go my way. And that is a long list - when the Internet is slow, when I find people annoying, when I find people close-minded, when I call someone and the call doesn't get through or the person doesn't pick up. Sometimes because of very trivial things. I'm scared of myself when I'm like that. Like I'm being totally STUPID and MEAN and a total B****. I guess I can be very cold-hearted. I need to purify myself. Seriously, this is the illness of the heart.

3. I may love Melbourne and perhaps won't even mind staying and working here, but I realized that this place can never be home. Not when I'm alone like this.

4. A lot of people want what I have. I should complain less and be thankful more.

5. When I don't stress out too much about my weight and just lead a healthy lifestyle, I feel so much better about myself and my body. I also don't fret too much about going to the gym. I just go because that's what I do everyday. I still want to shed these few last kilos but I just don't want to stress too much about it. Just eat right and exercise much. I may never look like Mirinda Kerr, but I can look like a better version of myself. That's more than enough, InshaAllah.

You're always a day away

2011-11-18T22:42:00.001+11:00

This should be my theme song.

Contradictions

2011-11-15T10:20:00.005+11:00

The problem with us Muslims nowadays is that we are a bunch of contradictions.

We claim to believe in and love God and the Prophet Muhammad (saw), but when we come across their commandments, we pick and choose what we want to do, or what we FEEL like doing. We feel like praying and fasting, so we pray and fast. But we don't feel like supporting the hudud law because non-Muslims might call us defunct and backwards, so we don't support it.

But when you love something or someone, you don't choose to do things for them. Like when you have kids and you love them, do you choose to provide food and shelter for them, or do you just do it? You just do it because that's what parents who love their children do. Otherwise, we'll be labeled as bad parents. The problem with us and our intelligence is that we have been too obsessed by the whole idea of reasoning, that we forget that there is no limit to all this. We think everything needs a reason. Why do we have to pray, why do we have to do this or that, why why why why why? Have a look at your spouses? Can you actually line out the exact reasons why you love him/her? Sometimes feelings/things happen without any reason simply because it is meant or need to happen. Maybe one day, you'll begin to connect the dots and then whatever happened 20 years ago will finally begin to make sense. You begin to see the bigger picture. Islam is about the future, the unseen future. What we do today will affect what we do tomorrow.

It's basic human instincts, really. When we love, we do things to protect the loved ones and make them happy. Why is it any different from our love to God and the Prophet (saw), then? This is why: we have Islam, but we lack Iman and we are certainly far from Ihsan.

Different

2011-11-14T07:31:00.006+11:00

At 27, sometimes I think about the things I've done in my life. When I was a second year student in uni, my dad told me after graduation, I'd have to find a teaching/lecturing job, go do my Master's degree, get married and go do my PhD. I choked at that, especially at the 'get married' part' - I was 21, marriage was the LAST thing on my mind! But somehow, when I graduated, I had this idea in mind that my father's plan would fall perfectly in line. Needless to say that it didn't.

Sometimes I look at my friends' lives and feel a pang of jealousy. They have husbands and babies and jobs. Responsibilities, yes, but those that carry meanings in their lives. I still wake up alone every morning and go to bed alone at night. I still leave my room and house messy if I don't feel like cleaning them. I still do stupid and crazy irresponsible stuff. Sure this may seem fun and carefree, but trust me, sometimes it gets boring.

But when I really think about it, my life has always been Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'. When everyone with good PMR results entered the science stream, I did the unthinkable and did arts (gasp!) instead even though I got 7As for my PMR. With my SPM result, I could apply to study Law but instead, applied for English language and literature (and spend my life explaining to people that no, I am NOT an English teacher, I'm a LITERATI). Now, when everyone else is married with a stable job, here I am, still a student. So, another road hardly taken.

10 years from now, I don't want to look back and regret the things I've never done. I want to look back and reminiscent about the things I did in my youth and have wonderful stories of adventures and misadventures to share with my kids. So why do I bother becoming like everyone else and having what they have when it is them who can never have what I have?

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost could become a farmer, but instead, he became a poet. If he had, no one would remember his name and quote the things he said. Who remembers a farmer's name, anyway?

I am different. SO WHAT?

Kenapa kita nak jadi kaya?

2011-11-12T17:20:00.004+11:00

Have you ever met a person yang tak nak jadi kaya? Having the financial independence to buy anything, go anywhere, do anything just because you have the money. Siapa yang tak nak kan?

But then, ask yourself again, kenapa kita nak jadi kaya in the first place?

Because sometimes, erm, a lot of times, we want to be rich BECAUSE we want to buy anything, go anywhere and do anything just because we have the money. But where will that take us?

Uthman bin Affan went back and forth to get his belongings to give in the name of jihad fisabilillah when the Prophet (saw) asked the Muslims to donate to the Muslim army. Are we even a fraction like him? Or are we only after the travel, the expensive clothes, handbags, gadgets, etc? Because you see, some of the Prophet's companions were quite well-off but even so, they will enter the Jannah later than the poorer companions because of the money they had. Ni orang-orang yang membelanjakan harta ke jalan Allah, yang sudah pun dijanjikan syurga. Like everything else, Allah will ask us how we spend the money He gave to us. The more money we have, the longer the questions will be.

My mother told me (and the rest of my siblings) that it's enough to have enough, rather than have more but always wanting more. Because if you have more, you will feel that money is never enough. I think she's right.

I got this from a friend's blog:

Pernah sahabat Nabi merungut apabila melihat seorang yang badannya kasar kerana kuat bekerja dan berkata:

"Alangkah baiknya jika dia menggunakan kekuatan tubuhnya itu untuk berjihad pada jalan Allah"

Mendengar itu Rasulullah s.a.w pun bersabda:

"Jika dia bekerja mencari nafkah untuk anak-anaknya yang kecil adalah fi sabilillah, jika dia bekerja untuk kedua-dua orang tuanya pun fisabilillah, jika dia bekerja mencari nafkah untuk dirinya sendiri juga dikira fisabilillah, tetapi jika dia bekerja dengan tujuan menunjuk-nunjuk dan riak, maka itu adalah fisabili syaitan (pada jalan syaitan)." - (Riwayat Bukhari & Muslim dan Tarmidzi)

Seksualiti Merdeka: Let's change our focus

2011-11-07T17:28:00.004+11:00

I could say a lot of things about Seksualiti Merdeka if I want to. But I won't. Because enough has been said by people with more religious and cultural knowledge than me. And also because, what is wrong is wrong, plain and simple. No matter how twisted, how clever, how perfect your arguments may seem, but those with the inner eye (iman and taqwa), will see that what is wrong is wrong.

A lot of people give out many opinions (and fatwas) about homosexual issues on FB and Twitter, but the thing is, are we good enough to say what we say? These people, they argue for what THEY think is within their rights to argue, no matter how twisted that may be. On the other hand, religious scholars, ulama' and other people of religious knowledge and authority counter-argue with what they have learned from their own studies. But what about us normal people? How do we argue? How do we stand up against this wrong and practice 'amr ma'ruf wa nahi munkar? Apparently, a lot of us curse and blaspheme our way around this. Maybe because we are angry at such ridiculousness of this whole fiasco, maybe because we are shocked by such audacity. So we resort to the best way to get our message across. We use strong language.

Emotional, yes. Intellectual, no.

This sickness in our society stems from us, the individuals who make up the society itself. It's like a tumor in the brain. One small tumor ruins the whole function of the brain. Within our society, when there are too many tumors, the society fails. Then ironically, we act surprised. Look at ourselves, first and foremost. How many of us pray on time? Wait, how many of us actually pray the five daily prayers? How many of us adhere to the five tenets of Islam wholeheartedly? How many of us do something for Allah? How many of us love Allah and the Prophet more than we love our families and friends? These are the foundation of our faith and religion yet, so so many of us close one eyes to developing our own iman and taqwa. Maher Zain, in his song 'Awakening' said that the focus to improve our society and makes Islam stronger should be on ourselves. And he couldn't be more right.

Yes, it's easy to blame the West, the non-Muslims and the kafirs for all the accusations they throw against Islam and Muslims, as well as the predicaments they cause in our ummah, but do you think that they would dare to do what they do and say what they say if we had been a stronger ummah? Remember that the ummah during the Prophet's and his companions' times was not isolated. They had non-Muslims living among them. The Muslim army fought against the Roman and Byzantine empires during the expansion of the Muslim world. But why was it that the Muslim ummah, which was so few in numbers, was so admired and feared by these much bigger and stronger empires? Now, we are many in numbers but we are stepped on by the Jews, who are fewer in number. And we are mocked by the West, other non-Muslims and even those who call themselves 'modernist' or 'liberal' Muslims. Why?

Because we don't have the same iman and taqwa that the Prophet and his companions had.

Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with him) had a son who was still a non-Muslim during the early stages of Islam. In the Battle of Badr, he was in the Muslim army while his son was in the Quraisy army. A few years after the battle and after his son had accepted Islam, his son told him that during the battle, his father was within view for him to strike and kill Abu Bakr but he couldn't. Abu Bakr told him that if it had been the other way around, he would have definitely killed his own son because his love for Allah and the Prophet went beyond his fatherly (worldly) love for his son.

That is pure and true love. That is iman and taqwa. That is success.

So stop cursing those who don't know and those who are in the wrong. Instead, improve ourselves so that we can stand against these transgressors and wrong-doers. The Muslim ummah is strong because of our faith.

And that is more than enough.

Responsible social-networking

2011-10-30T09:45:00.003+11:00

It's so easy for us to say things on Facebook and Twitter without thinking, expecting and knowing that we might hurt someone with our words. Like: "FB-ing on my brand new iPhone/iPad/smartphone/whatever expensive gadget". Or "My brand new Jimmy Choo is killing my feet!". Or "Indahnya berkahwin..!". Or "I feel like a real woman now that I have a son/daughter!". Or "Having breakfast/lunch/dinner with the love of my life".

Thing is, whenever someone reads this thing, her/his (usually her) thoughts could go either way: "Ooh, how wonderful!", or it could also go "What a brag! Berlagak betul!". And suddenly the person you don't mean to hurt is hurt, creating fitnah between you and him/her. I'm no fiqh scholar but I do know that fitnah ain't good, yes?

All I'm saying is, perhaps we need to be more careful of the things we say on FB and Twitter. That's all.

Conditional life

2011-10-27T22:27:00.003+11:00

I used to be upset when I don't get what I want or when things don't go my way. Throw some tantrum, pull a long face, and let myself be in the ditch. But then I started realizing that life is a condition. You want something, you must do something first. You can't have it all propped up for you on a golden plate. In the end, everyone gives up something for something else.

Sedangkan Nabi (saw) dan sahabat-sahabatnya pun terpaksa berkorban nyawa, harta dan keluarga semata-mata untuk mendapat syurga Allah and yet, here we are, complaining how our hard our lives are because we couldn't get that car we've always dreamed of, over a bowl of ice-cream after a dinner of our favourite food. How unjust we are to ourselves!

Tazkirah

2011-10-20T18:10:00.003+11:00

A snippet on a talk by Allahyarham Imam Anwar Al-Awlaki who was an excellent da'i, but murdered by the Godless American government last month. May Allah bless his soul and punish those responsible for his death.

The Prophet (saw) once said that there will be a time when a Muslim will accuse another Muslim of being a kafir/munafiq but only one of them is the kafir/munafiq. The sahabah asked: "Who is it, ya Rasulullah (saw)". Rasulullah (saw) answered: "The accuser".

Nauzubillahi min zalik.

Cynical vs romantic

2011-10-18T21:21:00.004+11:00

Some people say that marriage, in its initial stage is excitement but when it ends, the burden of the responsibility starts to sink in.

I'm not a hopeless romantic, I know that marriage is difficult, but the least I want in a marriage is for my husband to look forward to seeing me and our children at home after he gets back from work, no matter how tired he is and DESPITE all the responsibilities he has towards us.

Like when you love your job so much, you go to work DESPITE the crazy working hours and the endless workload and you don't feel that it's a routine. Because you feel excited.

But if you think that marriage is just responsibilities, where then, is the sweetness in that union?

It scares and saddens me when people say that.

We need to set our purpose straight. My friend, Syima said that marriage is not a solution, it's a journey. It's not so that you could be with each other 24/7, hold hands, hug, make love and all those things which are forbidden prior to marriage. But rather, it's about making your lives better. For your partner and for yourself and most importantly, for God.

Bebai

2011-10-01T22:41:00.000+10:00

I hate being treated like I'm 16.

Okaythanksbye.

One breath

2011-09-30T19:14:00.001+10:00

I'm home and I like being home and I don't want to go back to boring Melbourne in the middle of next month and I want to come back for good at the end of next year no matter what happens because even though Melbourne can be interesting at times, I prefer being home because everyone I love is around and quite frankly, I love being pampered and not having to be independent.

There. All my feelings in one breath.

Perasaan

2011-09-19T20:35:00.001+10:00

My heart is not with me.

Nasty words

2011-09-07T17:49:00.003+10:00

I just want to say this:

Kalau ye pun nak marah, criticize, kutuk or tegur orang, I think there are better ways to do it than to curse people. Islam tak mengajar kita memaki orang, so where did we learn to say all those nasty words? Dari teguran yang baik terus jadi tak manis. Dari boleh dapat pahala, terus dapat dosa memaki dan mengeluarkan perkataan kesat. Dari nampak prihatin dan educated, terus nampak third class mentality.

Well, just my two cents'.

A lesson for you and me

2011-08-27T06:04:00.005+10:00

Islam teaches us to maintain a relationship with God. That's why we pray, we fast, we pay zakat, we wear hijab and we do a lot of other things in His name because we want to be on His good side. But what is often overlooked is the fact that Islam ALSO teaches us to create and maintain good relationships with fellow human beings. That's the beauty of Islam. It's a complete religion. It doesn't only look at the mystical, God-centred, spiritual side of a person, but also looks at the open relationships between fellow human beings.

It is then quite sad that some people pay too much attention to God, without giving much thought to smaller things, like how you treat people around you.

So many times I've heard about and had experienced with those religious movements yang berdakwah demi Allah. As much as I find their mission amazing, wonderful and InshaAllah, akan mendapat balasan Allah di Akhirat kelak, I have never been interested to become one of them. Maybe saya sombong, maybe saya yang rugi, maybe saya ni keras hati, I don't know, but truth be told, one of the main reasons of my disinterest is because saya sangat tak suka how they treat people around them. They have a lot of knowledge pasal Islam, tapi hubungan dengan masyarakat sekeliling tak ada. Tak ada personal approach yang boleh sejukkan hati orang di sekeliling. Usually sangat selfish and very centric to the people within the movement itself. You only do what you think is right for you and the people within your circle, tapi dengan orang sekeliling, you tutup sebelah mata.

When I was growing up, I never went to sekolah agama. When I asked my mom why none of us kids were sent to sekolah agama like the rest of our friends, she told me of the rather similar experience she had with 'religious' people and she vowed never to let her children become like them. I think I was deprived of a lot of religious knowledge because of that decision, but my parents always fed us with stories about the Prophets, and I remember masa kecik-kecik dulu selalu kena (read: terpaksa) pergi ceramah-ceramah agama with my mom and my brothers selalu disuruh pergi ke surau belakang rumah tu. So my parents did try, Alhamdulillah.

Kadang-kadang saya jadi sangat marah dan sedih sebab I feel victimized. These are the people yang I respect because of their knowledge about Islam, but they become the very people I pray that I don't become. Because I don't want to treat people around me the way they treat me and other people. I really wanna go in detail about what happened and why I'm saying all this, but well, biarlah Allah je yang tahu sebab mungkin tak baik juga saya burukkan mereka. Tapi memang the more I know them, the more I lose my respect for them. The more I don't want to be like them.

Because the most judgmental people I know are usually the ones who claim to be walking in the path of Allah. The most selfish people I know are usually the ones yang selalu berdakwah itu ini. The most hyprocritical people I know are usually the ones yang pandai berhujah pasal agama. And it makes me angry. It makes me sad. How then can you claim that you represent Islam? The Prophet and His Companions weren't like that. They were kind to everyone, not only to the Muslims, but also to non-Muslims. They fought for Allah, but they were also sensitive towards the people around them. Sebab itulah Islam sangat maju pada zaman tu.

Ya Allah, please give me patience and strength to face these people. Please let me not be like them. Let this be a lesson for me, Ya Allah. Please give me patience, give me patience, give me patience.

Next week raya?

2011-08-24T22:24:00.003+10:00

Oooh next week raya rupanya...

Hehe.

Okay, I actually forgot that next week is Eid. Perhaps because I'm getting old, or perhaps because memang tak terasa nak raya langsung pun. Lagi-lagi raya tahun ni weekday, so lagi la saya tak terasa nak raya langsung. Sekarang tengah fikir after solat raya nanti nak buat ape ye..? Budak-budak ni sure ada kelas, so dorang mesti akan pergi kelas, so saya berkemungkinan besar beraya atas katil la kot. Hehe. Raya ke-3/4 nanti nak pergi Tassie plak, so lagi la takde perasaan berhari raya langsung ni! So unlike my friends on FB yang semuanya duk berangan nak balik raya dah. Huhu. Tapi macam ni la kot orang yang beraya di perantauan. I really pray that this is not my last Eid here. Please, please I just want to have one more Eid in Melbourne next year, InshaAllah.

But here is the lagu raya wajib untuk orang di perantauan. Hehe.

Hujung minggu dan...

2011-08-21T19:12:00.004+10:00

... saya malas nak buat kerja.

Ye, article Talal Asad yang dah baca sudah beberapa hari tak bersentuh untuk difahamkan. Ethics form pun tak habis isi lagi. Why?

Because I only want to go home now! Hehe. Kalau ikutkan hati, memang nak balik now even though tiket balik 3 minggu lagi, tapi yelah, mana la mampu nak cancel-cancel tiket. Lagipun Amni and Ammar takde kat rumah lagi, so BE PATIENT! =p

Afif dah balik US. He's no longer in Michigan, but now in Colorado. He's starting his PhD qualification classes next week, I think. Like what? My little brother is doing his PhD??? Yes, I'm getting old. His new place is 4 hours away from Aspen. I want to go there! But judging by my financial situation now, I don't think I'll be able to afford a trip there any time soon. Kena la kumpul duit jugak for future needs, an iPhone maybe (haha) and also, for my wedding, InshaAllah. Duit tak turun dari langit. But who knows? Allah always has a way of surprising and giving us something when we least expect it.

Lately, I've been wanting to have cats. I've always liked cats but I hate the hassle of taking care of them. Dulu banyak kucing kat rumah, tapi asyik berperang dengan Ayah je. My father has a love-hate relationship with cats. He doesn't like them, but somehow, I know there's a soft spot in him for cats. Paradoxical betul. Haha. So my mom pening kepala and decided not to entertain any stray cats at home anymore. I think there are still some at home, but not in the same league as Bimbo, Sprite, Leannex, Mona, Patch, and definitely not like Timon and Sami. But lately, I have a yearning for cats. I want one but it's not exactly cheap to keep one here. You need to register it, neuter it, arrange for vet check-up every few months, etc etc. If you don't do that, kena la saman nanti kalau kena tangkap. Confirm la saya tak mampu! To keep a stray cat pun macam tak possible because in my almost three years here, I've never seen a stray cat in the streets of Melbourne, now matter how kopak the streets are! Bagus kan?

On a side note, I hate dogs. I'm terrified of dogs. What do you call people who are dog-phobic? *google* Cynophobic! I guess this is the result of selalu kena kejar anjing dulu. Haha. Tapi memang I don't like dogs. Takde la phobia sampaikan tak boleh nampak anjing pun. Cuma, I memang noticed that kalau dengar anjing menyalak pun, my heart-rate akan elevate. Kat sini lagi la banyak anjing sebab Mat Salleh suka anjing. But they keep their dogs on leash so takde la rasa threatened sangat. Cuma bila nampak anjing tak pakai leash la mula rasa gelabah. Seriously. I was walking to the bus loop a few months ago with my brothers, and tetibe ada this annoying small dog running with his owner. Perlu la dia datang dekat and menyalak! I memang terus la seram sejuk and my feet were suddenly glued to the ground, sampaikan owner tu mintak maaf. Huhu. I guess it could smell my adrenaline rush. But that's how much I'm terrified of dogs.

A week and a half 'til Eid and as much as I want September to come because I want to go home, Ramadan is always so special. The other day, ada orang cakap that Ramadan is like cuti. It's so true. You are always so relaxed during this blessed month. At least I am. Bila it's over, suddenly all the rush datang balik. Tak best dah and you have to wait another year for that peace to come again. Mat Salleh or secular Muslims here selalu macam kesian kat kami yang berpuasa. Like oooh kesiannya, mesti lapar! Little do they know that itulah nikmat berpuasa. When you cannot eat, you appreciate food a little more and that's one of the many beauties of Ramadan. Susah sebenarnya nak describe kemanisan berpuasa kepada orang-orang yang tak faham dan tak mahu faham. Alhamdulillah, Allah berikan sedikit kemanisan itu kepada saya.

Enough of tattle talk. Maybe I should go read something. *yawn*

Prayer for Gaza

2011-08-19T12:18:00.005+10:00

Prayers for Gaza which is now under heavy attacks of the Israeli army. May Allah protect my brothers and sisters. May Allah give strength to them. They are indeed the chosen ones.

My prayer for my offspring (InshaAllah, if I were to have any), for my nieces and nephew, future nieces and nephews and their children, is for them to be in the army in Khorasan. I pray that Allah will lift fear off their hearts and that they will valiantly fight alongside the Imam Mahdi against the Zionists and the Dajjal, in the name of Allah. I pray that they will be among the triumphant liberators of al-Aqsa.

Good men, good women

2011-08-17T06:25:00.004+10:00

Seumur hidup duduk permainkan perempuan dan 'awek' duduk keliling pinggang. Solat tunggang-langgang, hisap rokok macam there's no tomorrow, perangai entah pape, tapi bila nak kawen, the first thing you look for is perempuan yang pakai tudung, solat, bersopan-santun dan berbudi bahasa. Pendek kata, Muslimah sejati lah!

The same goes for women. Sikap tak cantik, tapi bila nak bersuami, nak yang dapat membawa ke arah kebaikan.

I think it's an irony. A big irony because you only get what you deserve. The Quran says:

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity." - Surah An-Nur, 24:26

You cannot expect or wait for a good spouse to 'change' you. You have to change yourself to get a good spouse. Plus, good men and women will definitely never settle for lesser men and women. Who wants rusty metal when you deserve expensive gold, right?

The question is: are we pure enough to deserve pure men/women?

That's a tricky one.

Sepi

2011-08-16T08:24:00.003+10:00

You're not supposed to feel lonely. You're not supposed to feel sad. You're not supposed to complain.

You're supposed to feel contented with what you have. You're supposed to feel that your heart is full to the brim of love for Allah, for Muhammad saw, for the Companions, for your family and for your friends.

But when the heart yearns, the heart wants peace. The heart wants companionship. The heart wants to have someone to share everything with.

Mengadu...

Biar di dalam sunyi

Biar di laman sepi

Tiada suara kanan dan kiri

Namun datang bisikan rohani...

From Mengadu Sepi

He is there

2011-08-14T22:20:00.003+10:00

Have you ever felt like the Quran is personally referring to you? Like when you read one verse and you check it's meaning, and it refers to what you're thinking about or feeling, or what has been on your mind oft late?

At the mosque just now, the Imam told us a story of how Umar r.a was given hidayah, even before the famous incident when he beat up his sister and her husband when he found out that they had embraced Islam, only to be touched by Surah Ta Ha that her sister was reading at that time. Umar, before he became a Muslim, was a heavy drinker, like most Arab men of his time. One night, he was roaming the city, looking for friends to be merry with, but everyone was busy. Having no one to get drunk with, he decided to go visit the Kaabah. The area was deserted, except for one man - who else but the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w who was in prayer. Umar wanted to get close to the Prophet to listen to what he was reciting in his prayer. So he hid underneath the covering of the Kaabah and crept close to Muhammad s.a.w. When he heard the Prophet reciting the Quran, he was struck by its beautiful verses, which made him think: "This must be the work of a poet!". Immediately after that, the Prophet read Surah Al-Haqqa, ayah 41: "And it is not the word of a poet; little is it that you believe". Umar was stunned, which led him to think that the Prophet was a soothsayer. Immediately, the Prophet recited the next ayah of the same surah: "Nor the word of a soothsayer; little is it that you mind". Again, Umar was caught off-guard and he went home feeling scared and confused that he decided to kill the Prophet to quell those feelings. It was after that the famous incident of his conversion happened and by Allah's will, Umar al-Khattab r.a, who passionately hated the Prophet and his teachings became one of his most ardent friend, supporter and even father in-law, as well as one of the rightly guided Caliphs of Islam and become one of the persons whom Allah has promised Jannah. The story makes me smile because indeed, Allah chooses whom He wants to reach out to.

This morning and a few mornings ago, I was reading the Quran. Usually, I won't read the translation at the same time, saving it for later. But these mornings, my eyes averted to the meanings of the verses I was reading and I couldn't help but feel that those verses are the advice that I needed and still need to quell my anxiety which has been going on since forever. Maybe Allah was really reaching out to me. To remind me that I must have faith in Him and only Him. And that He will love me more if I am patient.

I was humbled, still am. I'm not even close to Umar in greatness but even so, Allah still reaches out to me. Like Sami Yusuf aptly says in his song: in every tear that is wept, He is there.

And I don't want Him to leave me.

The end of an era?

2011-08-12T06:50:00.003+10:00

I have an old, very good friend of mine who is also studying here in Melbourne. Two years ago, she came to Sydney for her Master's degree and last year, she went back home, got married earlier this year and is now back for her PhD. Boy, was I glad when I found out that she'd be coming back here! Yesterday, I asked to meet her up for iftar, somewhere in the city. She was reluctant because she would rather have iftar with her husband. And silly me got upset.

Silly, stupid me.

I wasn't upset at her per say, because well, she is a wife now so of course I understand that her first priority is her husband but I got sad because well, her first priority IS her husband. Paradox much, huh? Haha. What I mean to say is that, there goes another friend I'm losing to marriage. I have some friends whom I have not heard from since they got married. No text, no phone call, no FB messages, no nothing. It's like they've just disappeared from the face of the earth. Or maybe, it's the other way round: I have disappeared from the face of their earth.

I'm not judging and neither am I saying what they are doing is wrong. I'm not married, so I don't know how the system works. I think it's wonderful that they now have a priority in life. I just think it's sad that people who have been your friends for years suddenly have no place for you in their lives anymore because you have been replaced and you will never be needed again.

It is the end of an era, indeed. The era where friends are important. People change everyday, all the time. I cannot expect things to be the same as they were 5 - 10 years ago because moving on means that you are not stuck in life and that's a good thing. I'm not stuck either. It's just that I have a much more different life, a life that is rather monotonous. Like Syima aptly described, being single means your life is "pusing sana, pusing sini, tang tu jugak la". Hmm, susah nak explain. Hanya orang-orang single je faham perasaan ni. Orang yang dah kawen biasanya akan nampak hidup kami gumbira sbb kami carefree dan takde tanggungjawab. Which is true, but not quite true. (Why am I so full of paradoxes today??!!)

But for those who have moved on, I pray that InshaAllah one day, they will all be their husbands' angels in Jannah. =)

...

2011-08-11T20:25:00.002+10:00

I know I should be thankful for everything I have and I am.

Tapi kadangkala, hati yang lemah ini mahukan lebih. Lebih daripada apa yang layak. Lebih daripada apa yang sepatutnya. Lebih daripada apa yang Allah kurniakan. Adakah itu kufur nikmat? Nauzubillah.

Ya Allah, berikanlah ku kelapangan hati untuk mensyukuri nikmatMu, walaupun itu bukan apa yang aku mahu dan kehendaki. Kerana aku tahu Engkau lebih mengetahui.

Ramadan so far...

2011-08-07T05:39:00.002+10:00

Alhamdulillah, today is the 7th day of fasting. Alhamdulillah, this year is my third (and hopefully, NOT last) Ramadan in Melbourne. Alhamdulillah, everything is going on well.

Since Ramadan began, I've been lazy to cook. The only time I cooked was on the first day of Ramadan, and it wasn't even at my own house. I cooked nasi lemak at Nabilah's house because I wanted to repay her kindness for always letting me stay at her house. Her house is like my second home in Melbourne. Hehe. Anyway, since then, I've been lazy to cook. I've been planning to bake cheesecake but have been putting it off since God-knows-when. Instead, I resort to eating whatever food I could grab from the fridge and buying them. Yesterday's iftar was sushi. Yum yum. Tonight, I feel like having ayam balado from Esteller.

Every Ramadan, there's always a lot of invitations from everyone around Clayton, and every Ramadan, I would give some excuse not to attend most of them. I feel bad sometimes, but since they are invitations for the whole household, kalau my housemates dah pergi, okay la kan? Hehe. The thing is, most of the invitations are from acquaintances - friends of my housemates thus, if I attend them, I'd be eating by myself at one corner of the hall anyway. Well, I'm a social outcast here, as compared to the large group of friends I had in IIUM. When my friends were here a few months ago, they told my housemates and ex-housemates about how I was like in IIUM (President of this and that, Director of this and that, a.k.a tak boleh duduk diam, a.k.a gila kuasa - haha) and my housemates and ex-housemates looked at me in disbelief. Yelah, because here, I like to stay in my room doing my own things. Tengoklah. Orang ajak berbuka pun tak nak. But anyway, that's why I don't like attending iftars, gatherings, etc. Maybe sebab takde geng so macam malas sangat nak bersosial. I'd rather have iftar on my own, in my pyjamas, in front of the laptop, while Whatsapping with my crazy friends from home. Lagi best dari awkwardly trying to chat with someone I hardly know, especially someone yang much, much younger than me. Haha.

I like fasting in Melbourne for obvious reasons - the fact that it's winter so the weather's cool and breezy and nice and of course, the fact that iftar is at 5.30pm. Hahaha. But I also like the 'international' feeling. When you break fast in a mosque or surau, you'll meet Muslims from all over the world - Arab Muslims, South Asian Muslims, SE Asian Muslims. Hmm, I've never met Chinese Muslims just yet, but maybe I will, InshaAllah one day. It feels like a real Muslim Ummah. And although I don't get all those lovely Malay food here, since Melbourne is an international food heaven, it's kinda lovely to break fast with something else other than Malay food. Bila lagi nak merasa kan?

Lately, my heart sangat sayangkan Melbourne. I miss Malaysia, yes I do, but at the same time, I know when I have to leave Melbourne, I will be sad too. I've grown to adore this place and I could actually see myself staying, working and even raising a family here, so kalau kena balik next year, mesti menangis melalak. Hehe. InshaAllah, kalau diberikan peluang, I'd like to stay and work here, or do some fellowship research. I really want to, but chances are, I have to go back to UKM, of course..! Plus, I want to settle down, get married, have kids and when I get married, I don't want to live separately from my husband. So kalau nak stay here, I have to consider my husband and whether he will like it here or not too. Oh well, such a long way to go. Must finish my thesis first..!

Okay, dah azan Subuh. Let fasting day number 7 begins. =)

Grateful

2011-08-04T21:27:00.002+10:00

Allah works in mysterious ways.

I am humbled by every single thing that He has laid out for me which often exceeds what I could ever hope for or expect.

All I have to do now is work hard.

To be the woman He wants me to be and the servant He expects me to be.

He gives because He knows it is within me. He knows what I know not.

Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah.

Test

2011-08-03T21:05:00.004+10:00

Life is never free from tests. Those whom Allah does not test are those whom He does not care enough to give the chance to gain rewards and to be a better person.

We cannot have everything in life because those 'everythings' are not necessarily good for us. But the best is to be contented with what we have because what we have is better than everything.

Life IS a test.

Contented

2011-07-31T08:51:00.004+10:00

There's always this one stage in my life that I feel truly contented and thankful for everything I have. When I got through confirmation last Friday, and was officially upgraded as a second-year PhD candidate, I felt relieved and content. And so very thankful to Him for providing me with a life, which can be messy at times, but most times, it's just dandy.

Family - CHECK! No one could ever beat Mak, Ayah, Kak Lin, Abang Min, Abang Lan, Afif, Anas, Kak Mun, Iman, Amni and Ammar. They are the VERY BEST!

Friends - CHECK! We make each other laugh, we meroyan together but most importantly, we fight but we make up.

Studies - CHECK! Difficult, but surviving so yeah, InshaAllah. I have a lot of support from supervisors, family and friends so yes, I should be happy!

Career and future - CHECK! As long as I'm surviving in my studies, InshaAllah everything will be okay.

I guess I should be more contented with life. I have a lot of things going on for me that makes my life wonderful. Sometimes I focus too much on what's difficult, rather than on what's wonderful. Because, when I really sit down and think about it, my life IS wonderful.

Happy fasting, everyone. Let this be the time to increase our Iman and Ibadah. May this Ramadan be better than the last, InshaAllah.

Stampede

2011-07-28T10:20:00.003+10:00

My parents encouraged all six of us to join story-telling competitions, public speaking, debates etc so I was fairly young when I started to talk in public. I was only about 8 and I was already speaking in front of hundreds of people.

Then, why am I so freaked out about tomorrow presentation? It's just a normal presentation. Right? Right? Right?

Except that my audience include scholars and professors and I'm one tiny (not in size, of course!) PhD candidate who sometimes does not know what she's doing. And there's a group of panel who is going to decide if my topic is good enough for a PhD research.

Hence, there's a stampede in my stomach. Excuse me while I go throw up.

Because

2011-07-24T10:37:00.006+10:00

I strongly believe that this is my destiny: to follow the path of my father and brother and to take the road not taken no matter how difficult this is and how crappy I feel sometimes.

Because a lot of things would not have happened if I had gotten that job at Nestle Malaysia. It was a job I desperately wanted partly because I was bored out of my mind living at home with nothing to do and also partly because the pay was yummy. The thing is, I also felt that I would not like the job and I would probably suck at it, so maybe that's why I said all the things I said in the final interview with the General Managers. I honestly told them I was actually more interested in furthering my studies because my passion has always been literature and not marketing. Now almost 4 years later, I cannot stop cursing myself for being so stupidly audacious. No wonder I didn't get the job even though I nailed the test and the first interview. Hahahaha. But yeah, it did somehow reflect my desire to not be stuck in a corporate world where everyone just bites each other's heads off. But I would also probably be rich by now too. Ngeeeh!

And most importantly, if I had gotten that job, I probably would never have crossed path with certain people who touched my heart and changed my life for the better.

I guess no matter how lousy I feel my life as a PhD candidate is sometimes, I am more than blessed and I have everything and everyone I need. It's just a stage I must go through to get to the other side.

Okay, this is me trying to tell myself that this will be over before I know it. Last night, I literally cried myself to sleep while thinking about the confirmation this Friday. I wasn't worried or nervous about it, but I cried because I figured that once that's over, I still have at least 2 long years to go, which sometimes feel like a million years.

Depressing? Yes. Impossible? No. Because I'm meant to be here. I was sent to live a miserable existence in Australia because I am meant to do my PhD and to. get. THAT. doctorate.

Why? Because I am Amrah Abdul Majid.

The depressing thing called my life

2011-07-23T19:56:00.004+10:00

I'm bored.

Okay, I say that almost every other week, so it's not really that big of a deal, but yeah, I'm bored.

I dunno, sometimes this thesis gets to me, you know? Like I don't ever want to read anything that I've written, or that I'm done with it, or that I feel so sick to my stomach just by looking at it. So I was feeling bloody miserable today, and just blatantly refused to look at my thesis even though my presentation's next week and I've got some editing to do. I spent the day watching 'Parks and Recreation', sighing at how cute Ben and Leslie are as a couple, and oogling at Adam Scott (who plays the character Ben) while the thesis stared at me in the face, screaming EDIT ME EDIT ME EDIT MEEEE!

Maybe I'm a wee bit tired. I've been working on this for months. In the last month, I went out to see my friends once, and that was like a half-day thing, over lunch and a quick dessert. Most of the days, I spend cooped up in my room where the only source of entertainment is the Internet and the only sort of real-life conversation I have is with my friends back home in Malaysia, who now have installed Whatsapp. By the way, my phone crashed 6 times yesterday because we were Whatsapping all day. And the occasional phone calls, and some chats with my housemates. I may live with them, but I only see them in the kitchen, when we're preparing dinner. Otherwise, we are all locked up in our rooms, all doing our thing. And I watch TV series online to entertain myself over meals and I get the daily dose of Masterchef Australia 3 (which I think has gone crappy). My 'outing' is when I go out to buy groceries, and I often do that after meeting my supervisor - killing two birds with one stone. What do I do when I'm stressed out? I sleep. Or if I'm feeling a bit productive, I bake or cook. Then I stare at the food I cook because there's no one to eat it.

Well, that's my life. I'm not even privileged enough to have a decent conversation with anyone because there is NO anyone! I'm just literally stuck in a depressing hole called 'PhD life'. Or is it 'PhD lack of life'. And wee, I have a good 2 years to gooooo!

Okay, before any of you judge me and say that I'm being an ungrateful b**** who is not thankful for the wonderful opportunity that she has been given, I want you to try and live my life for a week and THEN you can call me whatever name you fancy. Deal?

Pledge

2011-07-22T10:21:00.004+10:00

I, Amrah Abdul Majid, PhD candidate at Monash University, Australia, solemnly swear that I will do my utmost best to finish and submit my thesis by September 2013.

This is so that I will get the elusive 'Doctor' title BEFORE I reach 30 in September 2014, InshaAllah. This is also because I want my life back and to continue with the rest of my life, i.e: get married and have kids - things I've been wanting to do since I reached 25, but have had to put on hold because of the PhD.

P/S: There goes my prime years.

More than words?

2011-07-20T14:41:00.005+10:00

I have a problem with expressing myself. I always think that I express myself better in writing sebab kalau bercakap, I usually would just go blank. That's why when I was in the school debating team, I always vouched for the first speaker because the first speaker has to lay out the discussion so it is her own on opinion first. Every time bergaduh pun selalu macam tu. I would have loads and loads of things to say in my head, but in the end, I would just go: "Okaylah, fine. You're right.". This is especially with someone whom I think is more superior than me or have some sort of control over me - like my parents. With other people, I know I can be very bossy.

But I guess I hate arguments. I hate the heavy feeling in my heart whenever someone argues with me. Intellectually takpe, ni emotionally. I remember when I was in DFO around a year ago and I went into this shop to try some pants on. I was too lazy to hang the pants back up so I left it on the counter or somewhere, and the sales assistant attacked me as I was leaving the store. I think she thought I might have stolen those pants. I was so angry and pissed off but rather than screaming at her, I went back inside the shop and shoved those pants right back at her face and walked away. There was even one time when all I wanted to do was throw a glass of water at a boy's face because he was being an a-hole and was trampling on my ego, but instead, I walked away. That's always my solution: keep quiet and walk away. When I was younger, every time I got angry at someone, I would rant on my diary. I have pages and pages of hatred and heartbreak on my diary. Oh God, I hope nobody will ever read it. Now, I don't actually write anymore although I still have a diary.

I find keeping quiet and walking away works sometimes. It might not be the bravest of solutions and perhaps not an instant gratification, but it is an effective one. The downside is that I always have to be super patient. Or I'll send a text message explaining why I'm angry. But I only do that to people who are close to me. It reflects in my research actually. The professor just told me that she thinks I'm a strong silent scholar because I don't usually talk much. I only talk when I'm asked to give my opinions. Otherwise, I'm more than happy to listen.

Sometimes memang marah. Rasa nak maki je orang-orang tertentu tu. Or rasa macam I should have said more than just: "Fine, okaylah." every time I argue. But I also know that because I am quite an emotional person, so I might as well not say anything lest I regret it, and just keep it in my heart. Because in the end, it's not the person who says the most who wins, it's the one who is the most patient.

La la la

2011-07-18T09:26:00.003+10:00

Before any speculation is made, especially by one HUMAIRA RASLIE, I like this song because I like it, not because of any other reason or person. And I'm not feeling jiwang, I'm actually stressed out because I haven't finished my confirmation document which my supervisor had asked to see since last Thursday! And I have a confirmation presentation on the 29th and I'm having cardiac arrests just thinking about it. So yes, this is a way to lessen the heightened panic attacks.

But I do really, really like this song. =)

Sorry

2011-07-15T20:10:00.001+10:00

I'm sorry I cannot give you what you need now.

Coleslaw and potato salad

2011-07-15T19:28:00.003+10:00

Kadang-kadang rasa buat PhD ni best. Other times rasa macam I don't even know what I'm doing. Sometimes rasa duduk Australia ni best, tak balik pun takpe. Other times rasa macam nak balik Malaysia right now. Sometimes rasa I'm so good at being on my own. Other times rasa crap, I want company. Sometimes rasa I'm so lucky, other times rasa I'm so screwed. Sometimes rasa so lucky sebab at 27 tak kawen lagi so I get to do a lot of things I want to do. Other times rasa I want to be taken care of!

It's like a bunch of jumbled up feelings. Like coleslaw and potato salad. But the good side is, they taste good. So life is good, yes?

Don't blame others for our problems!

2011-07-13T09:44:00.004+10:00

I absolutely hate and loathe it when people resort to the race cards when arguing about Bersih. Nak menjatuhkan bangsa Melayu dan agama Islam la, orang India dan Cina jahat la, itu ini.

I don't deny that there is probably a group of people who don't like Malays and Muslims. I don't deny that they want to see us fall from power so that they could be in power. I think that we must have a firm hold on our religion and race to protect it from these people and avoid becoming like the Indians in America and the aborigines in Australia who were murdered and killed by colonizers simply because they were too welcoming. But sowing seeds of hatred against them is NOT and will NEVER be the way to do it. The end NEVER justifies the means.

All my life, I have mingled and made friends with a lot of non-Muslims. I used to be the only Malay girl in a group of Chinese and Indians at school. My ex-housemate, the one person who welcomed me here in Australia is not a Muslim, she's a Punjab. And never once, NOT EVEN ONCE, that these people showed any disrespect to me or my religion or culture. In fact, they are often more than understanding of how I live my life. So when people generalize and say that Chinese and Indians want to disunite Malays, I get pretty angry.

Malays are disunited because of what our leaders have done, not because of what other races have done. They have instilled in us the ideas of nepotism, corruption, hatred, back-stabbing, and anger while feeding us with promises of money, power and position. As a result, we turn our backs on each other. If there is a wedge between Malays, then blame it on the leaders.

When these kinds of things happen, we use religion to justify our acts. We quote the Quran, as if we memorize it. But at the same time, we enjoy drinking, don't care about halal or haram, go clubbing, have sexual relationships outside marriage, have no respect for the ulama', watch pornography, don't pray, don't fast, we lie, we cheat, we swear, we goggle at sexy women, we wear sexy clothes and we do everything that the Quran and our Prophet had said DON'T since 1400 years ago. The Quran only becomes useful when we want to win an argument.

I used to get angry at non-Muslims who make fun of what we believe in, or any fatwa that our religious scholars come up with. But now I realize that the reason why they make fun of us and our religion is because they don't know Islam. So then it falls on our duty to inform and educate them about Islam, instead of insulting them for disagreeing with us. But honestly, looking at the Muslim ummah right now, do you think that they would be interested to understand Islam?

Don't blame other races for our problems.

Fact: Malaysia is a multi-racial and multi-religious country.

If any one of us cannot live with this fact, then go move to the moon.

In love

2011-07-13T06:07:00.003+10:00

When I think about things now, I sometimes don't feel like going back home to Malaysia after I finish my PhD. Hot weather, having to re-build my life, terrible traffic jam, responsibilities, terrible transportation system, this and that. But of course there's my family, some friends whom I'll be happy to be with again, and food!

I've been falling a bit too in love with Melbourne, despite the fact that I still hate it that shops close at 5 here! Grrr...

Melbourne, I'm in love.

A calmer outlook on Bersih 2.0

2011-07-11T22:14:00.003+10:00

I think my previous posts with regards to Bersih is probably a bit too emotional. I admit, I should have been more rational when writing about it but I guess, I was just angry and I let my emotions got the better of my intellect. I got upset because I was accused of pledging my allegiance blindly and not understanding the situation because I'm living overseas when I had initially been very careful with my support of Bersih. It only increased as the government put more pressures on it. But oh, I do need more training in critical thinking!

I admit that Bersih is not an absolutely perfect solution to the problem Malaysia is facing now. I don't quite agree with the involvement of political parties in the march. If it's a fight about civil humanity and human rights, then it should be just that - free from the influence of any political personality or body. But I have to give credits to the brave leaders of the opposition who knew that they could die during the rally, but came down not only to march with the people, but headed the crowd as well. Don't you want a leader like that? The one who would die beside and for you?

But Bersih is part of a solution. A solution does not necessarily come instantly but it must start somewhere. So rather than trying to discredit Bersih, its leaders, supporters and modus operandi, why don't we figure out a way to solve the dire problems of corruption and power-abuse in Malaysia?

Because, let's admit this, everyone of us is prejudice. But the best of us is the ones who try to overcome those prejudice. =)

The Bigger Person

2011-07-11T06:54:00.004+10:00

Sempena bulan Ramadan yang bakal datang ini, saya berdoa agar Allah memberikan ketenangan dan kesabaran untuk saya. Saya berdoa agar Allah membuang perasaan benci atau marah yang saya simpan di dalam hati terhadap sesiapa sekali pun. Saya berdoa agar Allah memberikan saya kekuatan untuk menangani nafsu dan kehendak. Saya berdoa agar Allah melembutkan hati saya.

Biarlah apapun yang orang buat, yang penting saya terus bersabar. Even if I get hurt by others, let Allah always make me the bigger person, InshaAllah.

Scholars? Hmph!

2011-07-10T21:26:00.006+10:00

My former professor in IIUM made a great point in depending her support for Bersih 2.0. She said:

"Kalau cerdik pandai [tapi] tak berani macam Edward Said yang turun padang baling batu kat Israel.. sape lagi [nak turun]? Makcik2 dan pakcik2 warong?"

This is the problem with scholars now. Think think think think think. No action no action no action no action no action. Come up with a theory but no solution to the problem. Quote history, quote the Quran, quote the Hadith, quote this leader, quote that leader but for what? What's the point of your Fulbright, Endeavour or British Council scholarship if you can't understand the essence of the society? It's like doing an ethnographic study without doing the fieldwork.

You ask us if we know what we are really fighting for. So those 50k people who marched yesterday couldn't think for themselves then? My brother, who has a PhD in Chemical Engineering from the world-class Imperial College was there. My brother's friends who are the cream of the crop of the Malaysian education system were there. I know some of the lawyers who were defending the protesters who were arrested yesterday and they certainly didn't graduate last in their class. So you think that these people don't have a mind of their own then? All these happened while you were sitting down with a cup of coffee, in front of your brand-spanking new Macbook, still thinking.

I'm angry not because of your discrepancy from what I believe in. You don't have to agree with what I say. But what I'm angry about is at the fact that you have so little faith in others.

I quote my good friend, Humaira: I am clear of what I believe in and why I believe in it, and may Allah remind me to not belittle others of different opinions.

Grow up, Malaysians!

2011-07-09T07:23:00.005+10:00

I'm sick of reading those comments and status updates in FB about how ridiculous BERSIH is, how it's hampering the peace of the country and how it's creating unnecessary tension in Malaysia, especially in KL right now. This is what I have to say: Oh, would you people please grow up already?!!

1. You complain about traffic jams and roadblocks last night when KL came into a lock-down. You say BERSIH is at fault because if not for BERSIH, there would be no roadblocks. Tapi BERSIH berarak last night ke? Mereka berkumpul malam tadi ke? Kalau tengokkan tarikh bila BERSIH nak berkumpul, mereka berkumpul pada hari SABTU, 9 JULAI 2011, pada jam 2 PETANG. So kenapa nak salahkan BERSIH pula sebab buat jam? Ke korang yang salah baca kalender? So siapa yang buat roadblock tu? Police. Why? Sebab government suruh when an authority as important as the police should remain free and impartial from any influence from any power because they work to serve the people. Every other week in Melbourne city, mesti ada some sort of demonstration right in the central business district. Pro-Palestine anti-Israel, pro-Israel anti-Palestine, anti-carbon tax, anti-Prime Minister, pro-gay marriage, pro this pro that, anti this anti that. Sure, these demonstrations are not as big as the one that BERSIH aims to have but when you have a demonstration all the time, you'd think that the city's going to be a havoc, right? Not at all! In fact, there are police officers guarding the traffic in order to make sure that everything is in order.

2. You say BERSIH tak bersyukur sebab at least Malaysia negara aman bukan macam negara jiran yang lain. What a load of crap. Sure, Malaysia has long been a peaceful country but that doesn't mean we have to keep quiet when faced with injustice. Tahun ni saja, berapa kali harga minyak naik? Berapa banyak barang keperluan jadi mahal? How can Malaysia, a country with VAST natural resources suddenly takde duit? The rich keeps getting richer and the poor keeps getting poorer. Meanwhile, we see the PM and his lovelyyyy wife jet-setting everywhere around the world, pergi sana sini, stay in 6-star hotels yang berkos beribu-ribu ringgit for one night. What do we do? Takpe, Malaysia negara aman. Let them do whatever they want sebab Malaysia negara aman. So this is our script when we answer to God on why we chose not to say anything even when faced with injustice? Sheesh. Cuba fikir panjang sikit before making such a ridiculous comment.

3. Dato' Ambiga ni helped Lina Joy in her case dulu. Why must we support a person yang memurtadkan orang Islam? Well, siapa suruh support Dato' Ambiga? Orang suruh support the cause, the reason why BERSIH wants to speak up. If one day she goes against the Muslims, then we stand up against her la. Credits must be given when due regardless of who the person is. Lepas tu pandai la pulak include agama dalam hal ini. Bila Adam Lambert datang buat concert dulu, semua orang senyap je. Bila ulama' kena hentam, kenapa korang tak bersuara pulak kalau betul-betul sayangkan agama?

4. I don't care if you are against BERSIH for some reason or whatever. But at least have a valid reason lah. Jangan nak bagi alasan yang even budak darjah satu pun can come up with a less ridiculous comment. When you pick one side or another, you have to know WHY you've chosen to be on that side. Kalau you believe the Election Commission is fair, then okay! No problem! Kalau you believe that BN is doing a good job governing our country, then you have the right to believe so. At least you have a stand in what you believe in even if I disagree with you. But those who have no stand is the worst. How can you not have a mind of your own and think about the things going on in our country and make up your mind? Have some backbone lah!

This is the problem with Malaysians. We don't read enough, we don't care enough, we are wrapped up in our own bubble. This is not the first time such uncaring attitude is at display. Look at the call for boycott for products that support Israel. Berapa ramai yang actually bother to understand why there should be a support of this boycott? Tapi berapa ramai yang blindly argue about why this movement will not work? Isreali economy is too strong la, kalau boycott pun tak jadi pape la, itu ini, crap crap bull bull. Cuba tanya these same people about Gaza, I can guarantee they have nothing to say because they actually don't know anything. Same with the political situation in Malaysia lah. Tapi kalau pasal Maharaja Lawak tempoh hari, they can quote verbatim what the contestants said during their stint!

Perasan tak kenapa negara Barat tak masuk campur mengenai revolusi-revolusi di negara-negara Islam even though they claim that they are in support of democracy thus, they should be in support of the people of these countries, including Malaysia. Sebabnya, all this while, these dictators have been supporting the US and their allies in whatever they want to do to our brothers and sisters in the Middle East. But when the people start speaking up, they realized that soon, the people will stand up against the US and its allies. Kenapa Obama tak cakap pape pasal the anti-BERSIH crackdown in Malaysia even though it's against the democratic system? Fikir tak? Fikir la sikit. Otak tu dah lama sangat tak berfungsi. Yelah, dah asyik enjoy Maharaja Lawak je, buku tak pernah pun nak baca.

P/S: I have nothing against Maharaja Lawak. It's just that everyone kept talking about it and so I decided to watch the final show when the winning team performed. Needless to say, I was left disappointed with the intellectual ability of the team and those watching it too.

breathe in, breathe out

2011-07-07T21:18:00.003+10:00

I'm getting ready for a confirmation seminar set for the 29th of July 2011. The good thing is: FINALLY! I'm waaay behind schedule for my confirmation. Anyway, confirmation is a process PhD candidates have to go through. The process of PhD studies depends on the university and what country you're studying in but what I'm certain is that ALL countries have this confirmation seminar after or during the first year of candidature. In fact, my father told me that in the US, you are not a candidate until you pass the confirmation.

But anyway, here in Monash, we have to present our work three times during our candidature: the first year confirmation, the mid-candidature confirmation and the final year confirmation right before you submit the thesis. The reason behind this is that Australia has no viva process for their candidates and so we kinda 'have it easy' if you call 3 seminars throughout the candidature easy. Har har.

So I'm set to have my first at the end of July and I'm freaking out. Because every time I read my confirmation document (at least 10 000 words, okaaay??!!), I feel blergh. It's supposed to be a part of my thesis but I don't feel confident that it's ever enough. But of course it's not enough! It's just a document! But still... BLERGHHH. The good thing is that, I can finally work on something else after soooo long. I really want to try to publish a paper and attend a conference again. Maybe this year will be a wee bit too late so early next year, perhaps? And I'm sick of reading the same novel over and over again. I want to read the other novels instead until I get sick of them. Haha. Another good thing is that, if I make it through, I will FINALLY officially be a second-year PhD student, which is a good thing because this journey will be over SOON! Well, another 2 years can be considered as 'soon', right? =p But at least, I will know that I'm one step closer to the coveted title, InshaAllah. And I can go home in September with a slightly light heart.

The bad news is that, I'm so scared I might fail. And I think my document sucks. And I'm scared of the people that my supervisor suggested for my panel of examiners because I happen to know that one of them could possibly be the brilliant young scholar whom I've met and have always been impressed with, but I've also heard that he's quite tough. And a lot of people has told me that my research area is within the interest of a lot of people. And I suddenly just realized that my thesis is more and more becoming an anthropological study through literature, which, I think sounds kinda cool (haha), but at the same time, freaks me out because what the heck do I know about anthropology???

Allah help me, pleaseeeee!

Stupid much?

2011-07-07T12:22:00.005+10:00

Comments I read on the Internet on why BERSIH 2.O should not take place:

1. Malaysia negara yang aman. Takde perang jadi kita kena bersyukur.

2. Pilihanraya di Malaysia sudah telus sebab PAS dah lama perintah Kelantan.

3. Biarlah ada rasuah sekalipun sebab negara-negara maju semua pun ada rasuah juga.

4. Demonstrasi rakyat itu haram.

5. Ini angkara bangsa Cina/India!

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry when I read these comments. I have a whole lot of not-so-nice adjectives to use on these people but I'm fasting today so I don't want to waste whatever meager pahala I have on these not-so-bright people. But my advice to you:

1. Go and actually read on WHY BERSIH wants to have the demonstration.

2. Go read and understand the Quran.

3. Go read some history books.

4. Go read newspapers other than the government-controlled Berita Harian, The Star and Utusan.

5. Go out and talk to people whom you think is smarter than you. Don't talk to Mat Rempits!

6. Go talk and befriend some Indian and Chinese people and then figure out how many of them actually want to harm the country.

7. When doing all the above, use the 'aqal that God has kindly bestowed upon you. It may be hard at first especially when you are so used to not using your brain, but you will suddenly realize a whole new world out there.

Peace!

July

2011-07-06T08:39:00.001+10:00

29th July 2011

Make or break.

Christmas 2011

2011-07-04T13:16:00.007+10:00

Courtesy of www.thundafunda.com

This photo is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Done

2011-07-01T21:44:00.001+10:00

You've ruined everything.

I'm done.

Hope you're happy.

Different

2011-06-30T23:12:00.004+10:00

So many times I feel like giving up. Forget about this whole PhD thing! Forget about teaching! Forget my ambition! Forget everything! Go home! Go get married! Go have kids! Take the other road because it's easier and people are often happier in that path while everyone seems to be struggling and desperately lonely in this path! Just say, NO MORE!

But then again, I know I am not most people. I've always taken the road less travelled by because I'm different.

Being different is difficult. But being like everyone else is average.

So why be average when I can be an exception? Why be with the crowd when I can stand out from the crowd?

Even if it is bloody difficult.

Allah, give me strength.

Randomness 16

2011-06-29T16:40:00.002+10:00

Forgive me. My thoughts come out in spurts right now. Plus, I don't exactly have time to write long essays on my blog so here are my thoughts today (and for the past few days):

1. After slightly more than a year of research work, I have come to the conclusion that research is not my thing. I do not enjoy sitting down reading for hours, thinking and writing. I like reading, yes I do. But I like reading for leisure and I like reading to enrich my own opinions of the world and the people around me. And I like sharing them with other people, not through journal articles, but rather through teaching. I like sharing with people what I know, I like educating people, I like being surrounded by eager students. That's what I like. Hence, research is not something I truly enjoy. That's why I have spent the past year struggling with my PhD. Because I don't have the drive and the passion to sit down and be a scholar. Perhaps I'm not a scholar but rather, I'm a teacher. But then, to be a teacher, one needs to be a scholar, yes? So I guess, there's no other way. I have to establish myself as a scholar to be respected as a teacher. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like to get what we like later. May Allah give me strength.

2. Boleh tak jangan jadi miang? It's annoying and an act of a desperate man. Have some dignity, some shame. Grow up, will you?

3. I gained 1.5kg when Afif and Anas were here because I was eating a lot. Padan muka. Now I need to lose weight before I go back in September! 7 kg to go! I started going back to the gym yesterday and now my whole body is sore after an hour of Body Combat. But most of all, I need to eat right. That's the way to do it.

4. I didn't know that today is Israk Mikraj. I found out from FB and I feel bad for not being in the know about important days like this.

5. We always think that we'll die from heartbreaks, but we will actually survive and life on until one day, we barely remember what happened during those times with him/her. And then we begin to examine our feelings towards him/her and realized that hey, that was not love! Well, been there, done that and I'm in a better place because of that. =)

6. I have never lost a person dear to my heart. The closest I got is by losing my aunties, uncles, cousins and acquaintances but even so, they were not close to me. So I marvel at those who have lost loved ones in their lives - fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, close friends, husbands, wives, daughters, sons. I admire their courage and their acceptance of how life turns out for them. Because honestly, I cannot even imagine living a day knowing I will never see my family and close friends again. Even the thought of that can bring me to tears. Oh those of you whom Allah has tested, you are indeed very special.

Randomness 15

2011-06-26T16:06:00.003+10:00

1. I just finished watching 'Forbidden Lies', a documentary on Norma Khouri, the author of 'Forbidden Love', a best-selling 'true' story of an honour killing in Jordan. The book has long lost its credibility after a few Jordanian women pointed out the major flaws the book made in reference to the Jordanian geography. Her own credibility is also in question because she has allegedly conned many people, including an elderly and demented woman who was her neighbour. I have so many things to say, but right now, I'm still processing them. All I can say is that, I am sad to see literature manipulated. I am more sad to see a person betraying her own culture and birthplace for money. I am most sad to see the accusations she threw against Islam and Muslims (she's a Christian), particularly Jordanian Muslim women - setting the actual fight to eradicate honour killings back to where it started. Yes, honour killings do happen in many rural Islamic communities. But by making up these stories, Khouri has undermined all the efforts done by the actual activists and worst of all, she has simply highlighted the position of Muslims as the 'Other'. And all for money.

2. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: treat other people the way you want to be treated. Actually, I don't really care anymore. I'm down to the place where I could just roll my eyes and move on. But yes, everyone should know that. Some more than others.

3. In relations to number 2, I'm tired of giving excuses for you in my head.

4. In relations to number 2 and 3, I wish you would show me as much appreciation as you show the others.

5. Sometimes when you don't get what we really want and you are okay with that, everything is just so peaceful and calm. There's no headache going on in your head, questioning why why why why and you don't throw yourself into a fit of tantrum and depression. But rather, a wave of calm descent over you, whispering: Not yet, not this time, but it WILL happen one day, InshaAllah. And you can just go on with your life, happy to be where and who you are and thankful for what you have. I guess, that comes in believing in what Allah has already written for you. Because nothing will happen if He won't let it happen. Thank you, Allah, for this calmness and serenity.

6. While Afif, Anas and my friends were here, I cooked for them and I truly enjoyed it. I cooked nasi ayam claypot, nasi lemak, nasi goreng, shepherd's pie, tuna casserole, made breakfast - pancakes and scrambled eggs, and even baked a cheesecake for my brothers. There's a pleasure in seeing people enjoy my food. The highlight came when I saw empty plates and happy faces. Nothing can beat that. All the cutting, blending, stirring, cleaning up, etc suddenly seem like child's play and worth every minute. I've always liked cooking and baking, but cooking and baking for the people you love is a joy on another level altogether. Honestly, I kind of look forward to doing what my mother does all the time: cooking for her husband and children. Well, there's a long way to go until then though!

7. Why do you want to be Mrs. (insert husband's name) when you can be Mrs. (your own name)? Why do you want to erase your individuality after you get married when Islam emphasizes on this exact individuality? The reason why a woman does not change her name after she marries is to show that she is a person of her own and she does not belong to anyone, not even her husband. She is Allah's and Allah's alone. So please, dear friends, if you are already married, stop referring yourself to Mrs. (husband's name). You are Mrs. (your own name) because you are special.

8. It's halfway through 2011, and Alhamdulillah, it has been a most calm and peaceful year for me. Last year was a bad year, but this year, though nothing much has happened, but I am so thankful for the peace of mind that Allah has bestowed upon me. My life is pretty much uneventful now, and the old Amrah would probably groan because of boredom, but the current Amrah is thankful for this solitude. Because I don't have a battle going on in my head and heart anymore. And I think it started because I told myself at the end of last year: ENOUGH. No more moping around. No more beating myself up. No more relying on others to make me happy. No more expecting others to treat me right. InshaAllah I am going to have a good year this year. Not an excellent, perfect year. A good year will do, no matter how uneventful. Sometimes the mind set we give ourselves is important to shape our days, years or even lives. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah, for this strength. I pray that next year will be a bang, a really big bang. =)

Randomness 14

2011-06-23T18:13:00.004+10:00

1. I love Hana Tajima. I love her style, I love the way she wears her hijab, I love her taste, I love love love her. But lately, I keep thinking about the purpose behind her glamourizing the hijab. What she's doing is wonderful, no doubt about that. Wearing the hijab doesn't mean you have to wear drab and ugly-looking clothes and a dark-coloured headscarf. You can at least try to look nice and presentable. But for me, the problem comes when people start dressing up for show. The purpose of a hijab or Islamic dress code is for the women to be modest and stay modest. But now I see that hijab has become a fashion item, getting weirder and shorter and paired up with absolutely ridiculous outfits, like skinny jeans, leggings or jeggings. What's the purpose of covering up if not properly done and to be shown to the world anyway? I found some famous blogs of women following Hana Tajima's style and taking pictures of themselves, dressing up, dolling up and having men going gaga over them and well, frankly, I just think it's wrong. I think what Hana aims to do is absolutely brilliant, but perhaps, her (and her followers') way is a bit off track.

2. I don't like it when some friends who are happy being married (the smug-marrieds) tell me that I should get married because it's oh-so-wonderful. I know they mean well and they want me to be as happy as they are, so I always politely and patiently tell them that it's not that I don't want to be married (I mean, who doesn't want to be looked after and cared for and loved and appreciated and just not be lonely?) but it is not yet the time for me to be married so here I am, with no ring on my finger. Why oh why can't they understand that? Especially if they are friends who are close enough to know what's going on in my life right now. Must I go to the extend of pointing out how absolutely boring they have become once they tied the knot or explaining how absolutely wonderful that I get to travel anywhere I want to, go shopping for things I want and just have fun because I'm not married? Do I need to point out that I am much more independent than they could ever be and maybe, that's why I am not yet married? Do I? Do I? I respect their decisions to settle down, so why must they point out how incomplete my life is just because I don't have a husband? Grr..!

It's only time

2011-06-21T13:24:00.002+10:00

Sometimes, time doesn't matter. What matters is patience. And when the time is right, I believe it will be much better than we have ever dreamed of.

Thank you. Really appreciate what you have done.

Unfair, much?

2011-06-17T05:57:00.003+10:00

It's okay if YOU do it, but if it's me, I'm the insensitive, selfish one, yes?

Harta atau agama

2011-06-16T12:28:00.002+10:00

Saya sedang buat research mengenai bagaimana Islam ditayangkan oleh penulis-penulis wanita yang mahu Islam dibela dan dipelihara. Bila baca bagaimana Islam dan penganutnya dihina oleh bangsa dan agama lain, memang kemarahan saya membara sehingga supervisor saya cakap saya bias dalam thesis saya. Which is true because as a researcher, I need to distance myself from the topic of discussion.

Tapi bila saya baca pasal negara sendiri yang sepatutnya sebuah negara Islam, rasa seolah-olah apa yang ingin saya perjuangkan, apa yang penulis-penulis ini perjuangkan adalah satu benda yang sia-sia. At least di Barat, mereka menentang Islam kerana takut dan tidak tahu, tapi orang Islam di negara saya sendiri mempersendakan Islam dan ulama kerana wang, kedudukan, harta benda dan kuasa. In the end, who is better? The kafir or the munafiq?

Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't go back after my stint here. Maybe I should look for a fellowship somewhere for a Post-doc just to avoid going back. Settle down here, raise my family here. I used to be scared that my children, if they were born and raised in a non-Muslim environment, they would then have a difficult life ahead because I believe that religion is the basis of everything. But now I think that the Western environment, no matter how hard it will be, is actually a more conducive environment for young Muslims to live in rather than living in Malaysia, a supposedly 'Islamic' country.

Kerana harta dan kuasa, agama binasa. May Allah protect us from such destruction.

Langkah panjang, maybe?

2011-06-14T16:04:00.003+10:00

Fresh earthquake in New Zealand yesterday.

Adakah Allah telah membuka langkah saya supaya lebih panjang?

We'll see.

;)

The best

2011-06-11T07:47:00.002+10:00

Instead of focusing on finding the perfect mate/partner/husband/wife, why don't we all focus on being a better person for our other halves?

We want the best for ourselves but we forget that to get the best, we must also be the best.

Ragu-ragu

2011-06-10T08:00:00.002+10:00

Bila dah buat keputusan, kadang-kadang timbul perkara-perkara yang membawa kepada keraguan.

Mungkin itu gangguan syaitan yang mahu menimbulkan keraguan terhadap doa yang telah dipanjatkan kepada Allah.

Mungkin itu cabaran dan dugaan Allah untuk memastikan saya terus berdoa kepadaNya dan untuk melihat sejauh mana saya yakin dan pasti dengan keputusan ini.

Wallahu'alam. Semoga Allah terus memberikan saya kekuatan, petunjuk, hidayah dan pertolongan.

Doa

2011-06-08T12:01:00.005+10:00

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku,

Permudahkanlah urusan kami kali ini. Sesungguhnya apa yang kami lakukan adalah demi agama-Mu. Namun, jika Engkau mengtakdirkan sebaliknya, maka kuatkanlah hati kami untuk menerima dengan redha segala yang telah Engkau tuliskan untuk kami.

Amin, ya rabbal alamin.

A shopaholic in the making?

2011-06-07T21:50:00.006+10:00

I love shopping for hijab. It's like a major weakness of mine. I just love buying hijab. I used to like the normal tudung bawal. Then I changed to the ready-made slip-on hijab for a while before going back to tudung bawal. Now I like pashminas and scarf-style hijabs. The scarves sold here are usually very colourful with lovely flower designs and I am a sucker for anything with flower designs. So yeah, I am now constantly on the look-out for new scarves. I feel guilty though because I have 2 boxes filled with hijab - one at home in Malaysia and another here. I think when I get home for my holiday, I will give away most of the ones at home for charity, InshaAllah.

I like shoes and handbags too. And lovely dresses and blouses. And winter jackets! When my friends were here last week, they ransacked my closet and fought over my winter jackets and shoes. I enjoyed it because that showed they liked my style and that I have style. Haha! And it made me feel less guilty for wearing the same shoes and winter jackets over and over again and ignoring the rest. =p

I'm fast turning into a major shopaholic. I was so tempted to buy this one handbag in Fossil last week just because it was on sale, but I managed to stop myself because I don't need more handbags! I felt proud of myself then. But a few minutes later, I went into Levi's and bought two pairs of jeans. Muahaha. But those jeans were on sale. A buy one free one promotion, so technically, I bought two pairs of authentic Levi's jeans for $50. That's like RM 160 for TWO pairs of jeans! And not just any jeans, it's Levi's! It's a real bargain! =p

Humaira the wise said that I am high-maintenance. I said no, but when I think about it again, I guess I am. Hehe. But at least, I use my own money to shop and never ask from my parents. And I have yet to shop myself broke and I hope to never will. I also hate debts. Everytime I use my credit card, I will do my very best to pay the bill off completely. But sometimes I wonder how my husband one day will cope with my shopping habits. I just hope he will also like shopping. Hahaha. =p

Mini achievement

2011-06-06T15:56:00.005+10:00

I went shopping when Humaira, Khairiyah, Monira and Ary were here last week. I bought 3 pairs of jeans, a t-shirt and a blouse. For the first time, I didn't find it difficult to look for my size. I was able to wear a size 12, instead of a size 14 (or bigger). And it made me want to jump up and down in the changing room because suddenly, I didn't feel too fat anymore! =D

I have been neglecting my health and well-being lately due to extreme busy-ness. No weight-loss since a month or so ago because I have been stuffing my face a lot. Good that I did not gain any weight, though. But I feel old and weary because of that. I need to re-gain my energy and stamina. I need to lose another 5 kgs and drop one more size before September!

Go Amrah! =D

Maybe?

2011-05-29T18:56:00.003+10:00

Have you ever worked hard for something but didn't get that something you want? And suddenly you just thought that maybe it's not meant to be?

Hmm...

Circle

2011-05-29T10:34:00.005+10:00

Life is like a circle. You go from one point to another until you complete the whole round and go back to where you came from. Some circles are bigger than others.

My circle is bigger than most people's.

And thus, I must not whine because I am among the lucky few, the chosen ones to have this privileged circle.

My best friends' weddings

2011-05-28T09:05:00.004+10:00

My good friend Atih got married last night. Atih and I are friends since our matriculation years - so it has been a good 8 or 9 years of a warm and fuzzy friendship. She went through a lot of ups and downs in relationships and I am glad that she is now in good hands. I don't know her husband because they got together while I was already here so I never got a chance to meet (and approve of - haha!) him. But from the things she told me about him, I know he's a good man and I'm glad that she found him.

Well, this is the second best friend's wedding that I've missed - with Mar's being the first. I don't mind most of the time actually, because I'm here and I've got things to do and I always thought, well, it's just a wedding. There are still a lot of other milestones to celebrate with them - pregnancies, new babies, new houses, their kids' weddings, this and that. But then, well, a wedding is a wedding. And no more weddings for them after this, InshaAllah. So when I missed out, I missed out a once in a lifetime experience for them. Hmm...

And I'm not talking about just a friend, you know, not just 'Hi -Bye' kind of relationship but rather, the girls I shared a bed or a pillow with. The girls I cried to when I was broken-hearted or stressed. The girls I had breakfast, lunch and dinner with for almost everyday for at least 4 years. The girls I spilled my deepest secrets to. The girls I showed the worst side of me and yet, after almost 10 years, we are still friends. So they mean a lot to me and suddenly now, thinking about how much I'm missing makes me want to go home NOW!

But like Robert Frost said: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep", I have a battle here. Okay fine. Frost is talking about death, actually but well, that particular sentence seems apt in the looong journey of PhD. I'm probably going to miss more but I guess, I just have to suck it up and finish this darn thesis! Blergh!

Lethargic

2011-05-26T17:32:00.003+10:00

Pernah tak rasa penat yang sangat, sangat penat? Bukan penat fizikal, tapi penat mental dan penat otak? Rasa macam nak tidur, tidur dan tidur yang sangat lama tapi bila dah bangun, rasa macam tu balik? It's like a never-ending lethargy.

Perasaan yang sangat normal bagi PhD candidates, I guess. And it doesn't help when people you depend on don't quite give a damn about how shitty you feel.

Ironic much?

2011-05-26T08:46:00.003+10:00

Earlier this week, LPPKN, the Census Bureau of Malaysia released a statement about how there are increasing number of women over the age of the 25 who are not yet married and that this is a worrying trend. I wanted to laugh out loud.

Why?

Because my father is the consultant for LPPKN and I, his daughter, am among those who are categorized in this 'worrying trend'. Hahahaha.

Such irony!

Pre-wedding pictures, really?

2011-05-25T14:38:00.003+10:00

I personally think that pre-wedding pictures are not necessary. It may be the 'in' thing to do, but sometimes, I think it's just wrong. You are not yet married, yet you take pictures with your husband/wife-to-be, hugging, holding hands, etc. Even though you WILL be married, the fact remains that you are still NOT.

It just mars the institution of marriage as well as your own wedding day. You are supposed to enjoy each other's company after the akad, so why ruin it just so that you can get great pictures? I often thought that it would give you goose bumps when you spend your first day together as husband and wife, albeit in front of the camera, so why ruin that excitement before that?

Well, that's just my opinion. God knows what I'm going to do when I get to plan my own wedding, but I just pray that whatever I (we) do, it will be within the blessings of Allah, InshaAllah.

Karma, maybe?

2011-05-24T12:20:00.003+10:00

The fears that the West have of Islam and Muslims may have its own reasons - the involvement of Muslim 'terrorists' everywhere and the manipulation of the media about these involvements. But I also think that the fears are also mainly driven by psychological fears a.k.a their belief in karma. What you give you get back.

The US and Australia are two rich countries which were built upon the annihilation, massacre, murders and misery of the original settlers of the countries - the Indians and the Aborigines. The European powers were responsible for this - the Spanish, French, British and Dutch superpowers from the 16th century onwards. Even though these events happened hundreds of years ago and they like to think that they have moved forward, I firmly believe that they still fear retributions. Yes, Charles Darwin did come up with a stupid and ridiculous theory of racial superiority which of course contributed to the hubris of these people but most of all, they know that if their ancestors could be ruthless, anyone could then be ruthless to them. Their ancestors proved that humanity can be evil and evil can be anywhere and everywhere.

The fact is simple. People who do no wrong to others will fear no one. People who do wrong to others fear everyone and everything. So yes, the West is feeling the fears of both their hubris and their mistakes which they tried to hide from the rest of the world. That is already karma. That is already fear that Allah puts into their hearts. They may have the advancement in technology and weaponry, but the fact is, their hearts will never be at peace. There's no need for Al-Qaeda or Taliban or suicide bombers because the West fears their own shadows.

The problem is, people who are afraid are often driven to desperation.

Safety nets

2011-05-22T15:23:00.005+10:00

I look at myself as an independent woman, who doesn't need taking care of and who can do things on her own. But in truth, I am not that brave, so neither am I truly independent. I like to have safety nets around me to help catch and save me when I fall - friends and family mostly.

But today, I learned that safety nets break all the time. Friends don't always stand by you. They leave to live their own lives. How many close friends have I had in my 27 years of life who are now merely acquaintances? These were the people I used to spend 80% of my life around who now, make up less than 5% of my whole life. How many fights and arguments have I had with these people which end up having us drift apart? I guess maybe that's why I treasure friendships like Mar's because she is among the very few people whom I can argue with (and we used to argue a lot) and not speak to each other, but we would almost certainly end up missing each other and literally crawled back looking for one another. But even so, she's now married, she has her own little family to take care of, while I am here, living my own life. So many other friends have come and gone in my life but only very few matters now. It is sad when the ones you knew most becomes the ones you hardly know now.

Families break apart too. I nearly lost my parents and my brothers when they were involved in that accident. My siblings are all over in KL, Kuantan, Singapore and the States and we haven't gathered in so long. I remember that it was just after Amni, my niece was born and before my brother, Afif left to do his degree in the States. But Amni is now 3 years old, she has a baby brother and my own baby brother has graduated and is now planning to pursue his PhD. My parents are getting older and as much as this thought brings tears to my eyes, one day, they will pass on. Perhaps I will have my own family one day. A husband and a few kids, InshaAllah. But it will not be the same family I grew up with - the one I depended on. The one I built my safety net around.

I wish someone could come and tell me that everything will be alright and that I will lead a happy life, but that's not possible. Maybe I should learn and know by now that it is only to Allah that I can build the safest safety nets of all.

Confession

2011-05-21T05:32:00.005+10:00

Here's a confession.

Sometimes I don't know why I'm here. I don't have the same interest, will and determination towards my PhD as any other PhD candidates I know. Sometimes I am so uninterested in my research that I don't care about it, much less feel the need to pay attention to it. I don't even want to look at it much less spend time on it. When I was sent here to do my PhD, I felt that I wasn't ready because I didn't feel that I have the training needed to do it - that's what I told my father. He said I would never feel ready, I just had to do it. So I gathered my courage and here I am. But now, looking at my work, looking at my life every single day and the fact that after a year, I still struggle to push myself to be productive and yet, I am still far from doing so, I know that I don't have what it takes to be a successful PhD candidate.

And the scariest part is that most of the time, I couldn't care less.

Someone stop me from going shopping, please!

2011-05-20T09:26:00.006+10:00

Ever since I got to Australia, I have developed a craziness for shopping. I started collecting shoes and bags, bought more jackets than I need and now, I am going gaga over pretty dresses and blouses and scarfs which I wear as my hijab. When I found out that Zara will be opening a store in Bourke Street Mall, I was screaming my head off. Zara is one of my favourite labels. I used to go into the Zara store in KLCC and drool over their collection but I couldn't afford too much of it. Too expensive. Imagine, one dress/shirt costing RM 150 or RM 300. I mean, WTH??!! So once in a really blue moon, I'd splurge some money to buy it and felt guilty later. Oh yeah, I made the mistake of leaving my favourite (and expensive) Zara sweater in the gym and by the time I was done with my workout, it was gone. So sad! I nearly cried! I searched high and low for a similar sweater. I even went into Zara in Fifth Avenue New York to search for the exact sweater but couldn't find it. =( But I found another sweater - not Zara though - which I really like but yeah, that's after a year and a half looking for that replacement.

When I went to the States, I dragged my brother across Fifth Avenue and in Michigan, we went around the factory outlet mall he took me to. We were supposed to go to museums and such but I cancelled all plans because shopping was more important! =p When Mak found out about my shopping, she was not happy with it so I felt guilty and stopped. I stopped buying stuff for more than 3 months, but now that winter is near and I look at the winter collection and go WOW. Thing is, their winter collection has long-sleeve shirts and blouses which are usually IMPOSSIBLE to find here and some of them are really cute. So of course I cannot resist them. But rest assured, I usually buy clothes which are less than $30. I won't spend more than that, not even if I really like a blouse or a dress.

Okay, this post is basically meaningless but this is because I just bought three Zara blouses which were on sale online and I am so happy. Hahah. Okay, no more shopping after this! But wait, I do need a new pair of jeans though... Hee... =p

Abnormal

2011-05-19T11:41:00.003+10:00

Sometimes we are so desperate to be like everyone else that we forget how truly unique we are being different from other people.

If there's one thing in life that I have learned, it is the fact that it is impossible to please everyone because you always end up hurting someone or yourself.

Let's go beyond normal. Let's be someone who is not like them or him or her. Let's be someone who who is just you and me and us and learn to love that someone who is you and me and us.

Because no one else can be you and me and us.

Kisah yang sedih

2011-05-16T22:33:00.008+10:00

Saya rasa sekiranya kita semua betul-betul faham apa yang bangsa Yahudi Laknatullah telah lakukan kepada agama dan ummah kita, mungkin dengan mudah saja kita dapat bersatu untuk menewaskan mereka.

Abdullah ibn Saba' seorang munafik (dari bangsa Yahudi) dari Yemen yang merupakan orang yang bertanggungjawab menabur fitnah terhadap Khalifah Uthman sehingga menyebabkan beliau dibunuh dengan kejam sekali oleh orang Islam yang sangat membenci sahabat Nabi yang dijanjikan syurga itu. Beliau diserang di rumahnya setelah dikepong selama 40 hari tanpa dibenarkan untuk keluar walaupun untuk ke masjid. Malah, isteri-isteri Rasulullah (saw) cuba untuk memberikannya bekalan air namun mereka dihalang. Akhirnya, pada 10 atau 18 Zulhijjah 35 tahun selepas Hijrah, beliau dibunuh sewaktu sedang membaca Al-Quran. Tangan beliau putus apabila cuba menyelamatkan diri. Yang paling menyedihkan, pada waktu itu, beliau sudah pun berusia 80 tahun.

Daripada fitnah terhadap Uthman itulah bermulanya perpecahan di dalam umat Islam. Khalifah Ali yang menggantikan Uthman bukan saja terpaksa menangani isu ini malah terpaksa menghadapi kemarahan Muawiyah dan pengikut-pengikutnya yang mahukan pembunuh-pembunuh Uthman dibawa ke muka pengadilan. Namun, Ali tidak mampu berbuat demikian kerana pembunuh Uthman yang sebenar telah mati dibunuh oleh hamba Uthman yang berusaha untuk menyelamatkan khalifah itu. Ali juga merasakan beliau tidak mempunyai kekuatan untuk menghadapi pengikut-pengikut mereka tanpa bantuan Muawiyah namun Muawiyah tetap berdegil. Akhirnya, mereka berperang di Perang Jamal di mana dua lagi sahabat Rasulullah yang dijanjikan Syurga - Zubair al-Awwam dan Talhah bin Ubaidillah - telah terbunuh. Tentera Ali menang di medan ini namun terpaksa bertempur lagi di Perang Siffeen di mana Ammar bin Yassir (anak kepada Sumayyah) yang sudah berusia 94 tahun ketika itu terbunuh.

Akhirnya, pihak Khawarij (tentera Ali yang marah dengan beliau kerana beliau enggan meneruskan peperangan menewaskan Muawiyah) telah mengambil langkah membunuh Ali sewaktu beliau masuk ke dalam masjid untuk menunaikan solat Subuh. Beliau telah ditikam di kepala. Inilah nasib yang dihadapi oleh sepupu dan mertua Rasulullah (saw) yang sangat Baginda kasihi.

Kisah-kisah ini lebih panjang dan lebih menarik dari apa yang saya mampu sampaikan sekarang. Sewaktu saya mendengarnya, hati berasa sangat sayu sekali. Sanggup mereka membenci insan-insan yang sangat dikasihi dan disayangi oleh bukan sahaja Rasulullah (saw) malah Allah sendiri kerana Allah telah menjanjikan mereka Jannah. Dari situlah kita nampak, manusia ini, disebabkan benci, marah, tamak dan sebagainya, akan sanggup melakukan apa saja untuk kepuasan diri sendiri. Mereka yang membunuh sahabat-sahabat Nabi ini semuanya orang Islam. Bayangkan bagaimana satu hari nanti mereka terpaksa berdepan dengan Rasulullah (saw)?

Bagaimana satu hari nanti, kita akan berdepan dengan Rasulullah (saw) dengan segala kelemahan dan kekurangan pada diri kita sendiri walaupun baginda telah meninggalkan satu agama yang lengkap untuk menjadi panduan hidup kita? Bagaimana kita hendak berdepan dengan baginda sedangkan rasa cinta kepadanya mungkin tidak sampai separuh dari rasa cintanya kepada kita sedangkan baginda tidak pernah bertemu dengan kita? Bagaimana kita hendak berdepan dengan baginda tanpa perasaan kasih terhadap sahabat-sahabat baginda yang baginda cintai sedangkan kita sebagai umatnya perlu mencintai siapa yang baginda cintai?

This is what I need to do. I need to learn more about Islam, our Prophet (saw), the Prophets before him and the lives of his companions. I need to know and I need to evolve. To be better and so that I can educate my own children to strive to be like the Prophet (saw) and his companions, InshaAllah.

Stubborn with a capital S

2011-05-12T21:07:00.000+10:00

Everyone who is close to me knows that I can be very very very strong-headed and stubborn. I'm the type of girl who can sulk and pout all day if I don't get what I want. I'm the type of girl who can take a simple and kind advice very offensively. I'm the type of girl who can refuse to do something simply because she doesn't want to do it. I'm the one who gave my parents a huge headache growing up because I just refused to do anything and if I had my way, would not have been bothered with school at all. I'm the type of girl who doesn't walk out of an argument - I hate arguments but I never walk out on one. Very few people can keep me quiet and humble me. Very few people can leave me speechless in an argument.

And maybe that's why Allah introduced me to another strong-headed and stubborn personality. To show me how much headache I can give to people and to make me see how difficult it is to deal with a person like me.

Learn, Amrah. Be kind, be soft.

Humaira's wise words...

2011-05-12T06:14:00.000+10:00

... are:

"If you can be nice to your close friends, why can't you be nice to everyone else around you?"

So true.

Humaira, marilah kita kurangkan perasaan bitter dengan semua orang walaupun they annoy us like crazy. Sometimes it may be cruel, but the lesser we care, the better we will feel.

Ayuh! =D

Melayan vanity sendiri

2011-05-11T13:06:00.004+10:00

Lately, I am constantly thinking about food. Macam orang mengandung pulak, but let me assure you, I am so not! I keep thinking about the rojak ayam in HS Cafe in IIUM, the nasi ayam that Ayah usually buys for lunch, Burger King burgers, the pasta I had last weekend at Sofia Restaurant in Camberwell, the gelato at Dolce - my favourite gelato shop in Melbourne, crunchy keropok lekor, the nasi beriyani gam at this one restaurant near my house... FOOD FOOD FOOD!

I think this is the effect that I get the more I want to eat less. Been trying very hard (and most of the time unsuccessfully!) to really control my food intake. I don't eat much anymore, but I want to eat lesser. I've got more kgs to lose and I want to lose them once and for all! But eating lesser is easier said than done especially when I am just transfixed to the laptop all day long. Can you believe it that yesterday, while I was exercising, my stomach was grumbling! It happened last week too! I was so horrified! Haha.

Rest assured, I am not on any type of crash diet or crazy healthy diet. I just ate Pods chocolates and last weekend, I had pasta, gelato AND a slice of cheesecake. I'm only trying to control the amount of food I eat, not the type. I eat healthily most of the time and even if I splurge on food, I splurge in moderation (yeah, as if pasta, gelato AND a slice of cheesecake can be defined as moderate - har har). What I mean to say is that, I try to eat the minimum amount of calories to sustain my body and not more than that per day, regardless of what I eat. But I do make sure that I eat a lot of vegetables and some fruits too.

This is the renewed attempt to lose those last couple of kilos. It's okay that I'm slow in losing those weight unlike some people who take only 3 months to lose 10 kgs or even more. At least I know I'm not doing something crazy - like crash and ultra healthy (and boring) diet or crazy exercise regimes. I'm just altering my lifestyle. At least I'm consistently losing some weight since earlier this year. And best of all, I feel healthier and more energetic.

Did I tell you that I want to be like Her Royal Highness Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge? Hahaha. What a fantasy! As IF that's possible! Plus, she's too thin now. Maybe it's more possible to be like her before the wedding and her crazy Dukan diet. But her sister, Pippa's body is to die for, yes? All the men are going gaga over her backside, but I envy her flat stomach. Like wow.

Oh my God. I am so vain now. Okay, let's focus on being healthy, NOT looking like Kate and Pippa!

Empty

2011-05-09T23:31:00.004+10:00

You know the polite promises people make to one another?

"I'll give you a call."

"I'll keep in touch."

"I'll see you when ... (insert whatever time)"

"We should get together."

"We must catch up!"

They sound nice to the ears but deep in everyone's hearts, we all know that those are mainly empty promises, designed not only to make the listener, but also the speaker feel like a good friend or acquaintance. But in the end, life goes on and those words fly away and disappear with time.

Eventually, no one really remembers them anymore.

Empty.

Sabar sabar sabar!

2011-05-09T21:12:00.003+10:00

Sebenarnya rasa sangat nak marah orang for being so irresponsible, absent-minded and for having no common sense. But I know, kalau cakap sikit pun nanti, mesti akan terasa atau jadi defensive. Banyak kali dah tegur dan setiap kali macam tu. Bila macam tu, saya rasa lagi nak marah sebab at least kalau orang cakap tu cuba la dengar. Jadi, sabar je la.

Mungkin inilah ujian dari Allah, mendidik saya bersabar. Ya Allah, berikanku kekuatan.

Born this way? I think not.

2011-05-07T20:15:00.006+10:00

I was watching last week's episode of 'Glee' and I thought that there's something wrong with the message they set across that episode. Yes, you are supposed to love and accept yourself just the way you are, but at the same time, aren't you supposed to improve yourself for the better too? If people say you are stubborn and big-headed or selfish and insensitive, you are supposed to rid yourself of those vices and embrace a virtue instead because you have to be a better person. Isn't that what life is all about? I think we need to love ourselves physically - our eyes, nose, toes, fingers, hands, ears, hair etc, but mentally, we must always be open to changes. I mean, even if we are overweight or underweight, we can choose to improve ourselves physically, yes?

Sure, our life is already mapped out, our destiny already written. But we have a choice. We have a choice to be better, or to be worse. We cannot just go on being mean to people because we were born this way. That's the same with homosexuals too. You cannot go on living your life liking people from the same sex and saying it's fine because you were born this way. Because it is against human nature to be that way, it is against nature to be that way. Have you seen or read about animals that are attracted to members of the same sex? Yet human beings are all in for same sex marriages and relationships because apparently, 'love knows no boundaries' bla bla bla. It's amazing how we so readily put ourselves below animals when Allah had raised our positions to be even above the angels.

We all have choices in life. We choose who we become and who we can be. Yes, we have to love ourselves the way we are, but that doesn't mean we have to be satisfied with who we are. If we are so concerned about our looks, why are we not least concerned about our attitude and the way we present ourselves to the world? Nobody's born to be mean or gay or even fat. We have a choice to make. Who we are, are determined by those choices.

Seeing that it is Lady Gaga who sings the song 'Born This Way', I find it ironic that someone who tries to transform herself as much as she does/did would promote this 'loving yourself' attitude and have the courage to say out loud: "I'm on the right track". Pffttt..!

Together forever

2011-05-06T21:56:00.002+10:00

You know the wish people give to newly-weds: "Semoga berkekalan hingga ke anak cucu"?

There's really something wrong with it. You want to be with someone not only until you have children and grandchildren. You want to be with someone forever. Forever means sampai ke syurga.

If I were a wife, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. But what's MOST important is that, I also want to be his companion in heaven too and never be apart from him. Ever, ever, ever.

So yes, the wish should be: "Semoga berkekalan hingga ke Jannah". That's what we all must do. Aim for Jannah. So that we can be with the ones we love.

Real

2011-05-05T21:47:00.004+10:00

It is when you talk about me, that is when I am certain that you are real.

Stay real because nothing else matters.

Momentary separation

2011-05-05T13:31:00.002+10:00

After so long, I finally feel homesick again today.

I guess sometimes when you have lived far away for so long, you just get used to stuff being this way. In fact, you will probably get upset if things have to change. But sometimes, once in a while, when you are sitting down, minding your own business, you mind wanders to the only place you call home and the people you left behind, suddenly wishing they were here, suddenly wishing you were home.

I guess this has to do with my dreams last night. But I have been away for quite some time, actually.

Oh well... it is part and parcel of life anyway. Think about it. This separation is only momentary. One day we will have to part permanently and only see each other in Jannah, provided we get into Jannah. So yes, this separation is lonely and sad sometimes, but it is nothing compared to the sadness of eternal separation.

This is just a sojourn. One day I will return, InshaAllah. But until then, I will have to live through this separation.

These times...

2011-05-02T18:44:00.004+10:00

They say that Osama bin Laden is dead and that the 'war' is over. I am quite indifferent to this news because you see, with or without Osama, the Muslim ummah will keep on fighting. Because that is what we are destined to do, already written in the Quran, 1400 years ago.

What scares me now is the kind of life we and the younger generation of Muslims will have to go through. From Sheikh Imran Hossein's opinion and thoughts based on his understanding of the Quran, things will get much worse than they are and were. Maybe I will not live to see those days, but my children, nephews and nieces will and their children will too. It scares me to think about the kind of life they will have to go through one day.

Mak once said that she and Ayah can only give us one thing to at least try and ensure that we will have a secure life: education. No money, no houses, no businesses, no lands for us to inherit, only knowledge. That's why more than any other parents I know, my parents very much emphasize on us six studying and learning over everything else including marriage and work. Mak said this is because money, power, prestige and everything else will disappear but knowledge will still be there to guide us through life. I may complain and groan about studying and school, but I also know that Mak and Ayah are right in pushing all of us to study. The way the world is deteriorating right now, I know that only knowledge will save and guide us right now. Because knowledge leads us to Allah and His Prophet (saw).

Americans are delusional. They think that since Osama is now dead, they can now sleep peacefully. They are wrong. This is just the beginning. The war has just begun and it will be worse than ever. It is not that I do not want peace in the world, I just want America to stop playing God and hero and to mind its own business. The country itself was built on the extermination of the native Indians, this in itself will haunt them forever just as the Aussies are haunted with their crimes against the Aboriginal people. Why do you think that they are so racist? Because they know that what they give, they will get back. Funny, for nations which do not have the slightest believe in God, they still believe in retribution.

I pray that Allah will keep us all save. I pray that He will not let us astray. I pray that He will guide all of us - those who believe in and love Him and His Prophet.

Money money money money..!

2011-05-02T07:10:00.005+10:00

I was chatting with Mak yesterday and she was giving me advise on how I should start saving some money now because in later years (once retired), I will need a lot of it. She was talking from the experience of a civil servant (both she and Ayah were civil servants). So I kinda felt guilty because all the money I have now is usually spent on shopping, travelling and more shopping. Haha. So I told her that (minus the shopping part, of course!) and she said: "Tak apalah, sekarang ni la nak pergi jalan-jalan. Lepas ni dah tak boleh dah unless university hantar." And I was like, WOWWWW..! I have an awesome mother! Hehehehe.

But it's true. I think it's kinda nice that I get the leisure of spending my money on only myself now. I keep telling myself that I need to save some for my wedding and to buy a house and a car when I get home but I always conveniently "forget" about those needs later. It's always: "Nantilah fikir!" or "Ala lambat lagi lah!" kinda attitude.

Bad? I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm having too much fun to care about these things. At least not yet. You see, I think I cannot plan my life out too much because if I do, I always end up being disappointed if I do not get what I want. That's me. I can throw a tantrum if things don't go my way. Why was I so miserable last year? Because I wanted something I couldn't have so I decided to just mope around. Well, there's someone out there who will gladly testify that I am a big-headed and stubborn girl and he should know because he's always my victim. Hee... So now I think that I just have to jump at any chance I have and well, c'est la vie!

Well, at least for now, yes? =)

To soldier on

2011-05-01T09:25:00.005+10:00

Dulu masa kecik-kecik, Mak hantar pegi kelas melukis. I didn't really enjoy it although I didn't really hate it either. I was just, indifferent. So after a few years, I quit, especially after finding out that art is not my strong forte.

I think Mak was less than pleased. I remember she did say something about me being uninterested in a lot of things. Yes, I guess I was. And she nagged at me for not finishing what I had started. Was I annoyed? Super, I think. But now, I think I finally get what she means.

A few months ago, I advised a friend against marrying a man whom I believed had done her much wrong (details are spared here for her sake). But she soldiered on and married him. I was initially upset because as a friend, I thought she deserved better. Then she told me that she's doing it because she wanted to continue what she started, because she believed that she must go on with it. As upset as I was and perhaps still am, I wish her and her husband well.

I guess that's the point in life. To not give up. To just soldier on. Because most of the time, giving up is not an option.

Lesson of the week...

2011-04-27T20:56:00.003+10:00

For the past few days, ever since the Easter break began, I started to eat things I don't usually eat and stopped eating all the healthy food I had painstakingly taught myself to eat. There were no fitness classes for the whole break so no gym for me. And so I told myself to just give in to temptations this week so that I could see how bad I am in controlling my appetite. And so I did. I ate:

1. Rice for a few times when I usually eat it like once in a fortnight or even once a month.

2. Ice-cream - I went crazy on ice-cream. Had it twice. So yummy.

3. Milkshake, which I don't usually like because muak and I didn't particularly enjoy it either.

4. Chips - OMG, such a decadence. Especially Nando's peri-peri chips although I shared it with a friend. It was something I really could live without but I enjoyed every crunchy bit. Hee...

5. Bubble tea - twice!

6. Fajitas - There's a Halal Taco Bill near my place and I had always wanted to eat there so went there when I got the chance.

7. Burrito - Yuck. Too cheesy.

8. Jemput-jemput ikan bilis - Made it for my friend who slept over but I enjoyed it a wee bit too much.

9. Pods chocolates - Soooooo yummy!

10. Keropok - I skipped dinner for one night just so I could eat keropok.

11. Sausage

OMG. This is terrible.

The funny (and fortunate) thing is that, despite me not following my diet and exercise regime, I actually lost half a kilo from last week. I figure it must be because I didn't indulge too, too much. Like when I had Nando's for lunch, I didn't have a heavy dinner. Or when I felt like eating keropok, I skipped dinner for it. It was kind of an attempt to balance out the calories. I guess, it worked but I don't feel good at all. In fact, now, I am feeling very sluggish, heavy and lazy.

I don't actually miss eating those salmon and chicken rolls or baked salmon or fried brown rice or chicken soup with lots of vege and fruits. Really, I don't. But I miss the feeling I get after I eat them. Like I can jump even after eating - still feeling light on my feet, still energetic. I also enjoy the moments when I treat myself to one or two squares of chocolates after a week because I deserved a treat now and then. Because when it is deprived, it suddenly tastes better. And I don't actually feel too bad because I know I will burn it off in one gym session. Not a big deal.

So the lesson of the week is that, good healthy food brings about a good feeling in myself when I eat them. Sure, those ice-creams and chips taste good, but what's the point if they make me feel like a whale (and if I don't control it, I will BE the whale I was before!). It proves my theory yet again: a healthy lifestyle is not just about losing or maintaining weight or looking good, it is about being healthy. It is a gradual process, not something than can happen in a week or two or even a month.

So, off you go to the gym tomorrow, Amrah! And salmon roll for dinner, please...

Ramblings at midnight

2011-04-22T23:59:00.004+10:00

It's 12 am and I'm hungry. Well, it is because I didn't have a proper dinner, I had junk here and there and decided that I don't need more calories for today. Padan muka. Siapa suruh tak makan elok-elok, sekarang dah lapar.

A lot of things on my mind now, most of all my lit review which I am still struggling with. It's the most difficult piece of writing that I have had to do so far and it doesn't help that I was procrastinating since a few days ago. But I just didn't have the energy to do work then. I just wanted to rest. Not a good time to rest, though. Still have my Chapter 2 to complete. And a presentation set for late June. I just want to get it over and done with so that I can plan to go home. Home. Rasa macam jauh je sebab dah setahun lebih tak balik. I refuse to plan because I have been planning to go home since late last year, and yet, here I am, still here.

I want to go to NZ at the end of this year, InshaAllah. Asma' is probably coming over and we have plans to go places and do crazy stuff over Xmas and New Year. I guess that's the major break I am giving myself this year. Like the US trip I had late last year. InshaAllah this will be awesome. So far, Asma' is the only one coming here. Apparently, people have the tendency to say no whenever I ask them to travel with me. So I stopped asking and making plans only with people who hopefully, will not disappoint. Like it was very easy to make plans with Afif last year. And travelling as a couple is also easy. Of course we fought but it's a bro and sis fight which easily subsided. That's the beauty of travelling few so few people. Not much to deal with.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed someone from my past died. I don't remember how he died but well, I dreamed of his funeral. Well, I sure hope that dream won't come true. It's not nice dreaming about people's demise no matter how much I don't like that person. It's horrible. So I wish him a long, happy and prosperous life.

9 years ago, someone told me: EASY COME EASY GO and it broke my heart. I came to terms with it, Alhamdulillah. In fact, I grew up holding on to it. And I did eventually learn that things I worked hard for is best savoured when won. But at the same time, I do wish things get a wee bit easier. Just a wee bit easier. But the thing is, the same thing is always between us. No matter how hard I try to understand and to be supportive, I cannot be like that all the time. I cannot. And then I freak out thinking about what the future holds because I cannot imagine having to go through all that. I pride myself in being independent, but I need some TLC too. What saddens me sometimes is that most people don't understand that. Hence, I am always left to pick up my own pieces.

Okay, ignore the crap I wrote above. It's just my own conflicting feelings, which I'm pretty sure not many could understand. Perhaps I spend too much time thinking about it when what I must do is to let things be. Que sera sera.

It's 12.25 pm. I must return to my thesis. I want to go to DFO tomorrow. I need another bedsheet. And also tracksuits for my workouts. I need to go back to my healthy routine soon. Maybe when the gym goes back to its normal operating hours after the break. Let's hope I don't go overboard with eating!

Selemah-lemah iman...

2011-04-22T11:33:00.003+10:00

Awak,

Rambut awak tu cantik sangat. Saya suka rambut awak. Sebab itu saya rasa sangat manis kalau awak bertudung setiap masa, bukan pakai tudung waktu awak rasa nak pakai saje. Nanti rosak la rambut awak tu sebab selalu sangat kena cahaya matahari. Lagipun, benda yang cantik kenapa nak peragakan kat orang lain kan? Baik awak simpan elok-elok. Nanti dah kawen awak tunjuk la kat suami awak. Mesti dia rasa dialah lelaki paling bertuah di dunia sebab dapat isteri yang sangat cantik.

Awak,

Body awak tu memang cun gile. Saya jealous tau. Yelah, saya ada banyak muffin tops, tapi awak tak pun. Pinggang ramping, pakai baju apa-apa pun cantik. Tapi bila awak pakai leggings, terus saya rasa tak cantik. Sebab leggings tu buruk la. Kalau pakai waktu tidur ke takpe la, tapi kalau buat jalan-jalan, hmm, tak cantik lah.

Awak,

Ramainya kawan awak. Seronok saya tengok korang semua makan sama-sama, pergi mana-mana sama-sama, buat semua benda sama-sama. Teringat saya kat kawan-kawan saya kat Malaysia. Kami dulu pun macam tu. Sekarang tak dah sebab macam-macam dah berlaku dalam hidup kami tapi masa dulu-dulu, seronok sangat lepak sama-sama macam awak dan kawan-kawan awak. Tapi, kawan-kawan awak pun ramai lelaki. Macam la saya jugak. Kawan-kawan saya ramai lelaki. Jadi saya rasa, kita mestilah tahu batasan hubungan kita dengan mereka. Tak salah nak berkawan, tapi tak perlu la nak tidur sama-sama (walaupun saya tahu awak tak buat apa-apa pun, just tidur je) atau pegang-pegang atau peluk-peluk. Sebabkan, perempuan perlu tahu malu. Kitakan ada maruah. Takkan kita nak campak maruah kita ke mana-mana walaupun dengan kawan sendiri. Lagipun, malu la orang lelaki tengok kita tidur. Entah-entah tidur berdengkur, terkangkang sampai nampak underwear, keluar air liur basi ke. Hish, malu la. Jadi, apa kata kita usaha bataskan pergaulan kita dengan lelaki yang bukan mahram?

Awak,

Saya ni lemah. Saya takut sangat nak cakap kat awak benda-benda ni. Saya ni penakut, iman tak kukuh dan lemah. Lagipun saya selalu rasa yang saya ni bukan baik sangat pun. Mungkin kalau Allah bagi saya body yang mantap and cun macam awak, saya takkan pakai tudung dan mungkin akan pakai baju-baju seksi tu. Sebab tu la Allah takdirkan saya gemuk rasanya. Hehe. Tapi saya sayangkan awak dan saya tak mahu awak lebih terikut-ikut dengan perkara yang tak elok. Sebab saya tahu awak ni budak baik. Sangat baik. Jadi, saya berdoa supaya Allah pelihara awak dan jadikan kita semua wanita-wanita yang Allah janjikan syurga.

Robin

2011-04-21T19:26:00.005+10:00

Sometimes I feel like Robin Scherbatsky when Lily Aldrin wouldn't stop talking about babies with her. Because everyone is talking about their upcoming nuptials, weddings, husbands, pregnancies, babies, second babies - on and on and on and on every single day.

*yawn*

The Glorious Cycle of Songs

Hujan emas di negara orang...

Lemonade

Another New Year's resolution

This is the way to start the New Year!

2011 in review and 2012 resolutions

Questions

Versus

This is a pointless entry because I don't want to write my thesis

Sexist, much?

An asset

Show some courtesy, please...

Humbled

Matters of the Heart

Realizations

You're always a day away

Contradictions

Different

Kenapa kita nak jadi kaya?

Seksualiti Merdeka: Let's change our focus

Responsible social-networking

Conditional life

Tazkirah

Cynical vs romantic

Bebai

One breath

Perasaan

Nasty words

A lesson for you and me

Next week raya?

Hujung minggu dan...

Prayer for Gaza

Good men, good women

Sepi

He is there

The end of an era?

...

Ramadan so far...

Grateful

Test

Contented

Stampede

Because

The depressing thing called my life

Pledge

More than words?

La la la

Sorry

Coleslaw and potato salad

Don't blame others for our problems!

In love

A calmer outlook on Bersih 2.0

The Bigger Person

Scholars? Hmph!

Grow up, Malaysians!

*breathe in, breathe out*

Stupid much?

July

Christmas 2011

Done

Different

Randomness 16

Randomness 15

Randomness 14

It's only time

Unfair, much?

Harta atau agama

Langkah panjang, maybe?

The best

Ragu-ragu

Doa

A shopaholic in the making?

Mini achievement

Maybe?

Circle

My best friends' weddings

Lethargic

Ironic much?

Pre-wedding pictures, really?

Karma, maybe?

breathe in, breathe out