Confession of a lonely soul

I know I am not in the position to complain. Everybody tells me that I am one lucky person, getting the chance to live overseas, doing my PhD at a young age and probably finishing before I hit 30. My friends say that I have the advantage over the rest of them and when I am nearing the end of my PhD, most of them would only probably just going to begin theirs.

Sure, I admit, whatever they say is true. Alhamdulillah. I thank Allah fully for this wonderful chance to be where not everyone could be. Not now, and for most, not ever. So I am indeed blessed with this opportunity.

But as much as I enjoy what I do and where I am, there's always this nagging feeling inside me. I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't help it. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Sometimes it drives me to tears. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to Malaysia where everything and everyone I love are. But I can't. Giving up is not an option. Never is. Never will be.

As much as I love Melbourne and everything I get to do here: the travelling, the learning, the shopping, the making friends - I hate it here. I mean, I don't hate the city as it is an amazing place. But I hate the loneliness that accompanies it. I hate waking up alone in the morning, I hate sleeping alone at night, I hate not having anyone to talk to, I hate eating and cooking on my own, I hate experiencing something and not having anyone to share it with, I just hate being alone. Sure, I have friends here. Those I could hang out and laugh with and they are as awesome as good friends can be. But it's just not the same as being in Malaysia. It is not HOME.

I have been here for a year and yet, I still feel the same way I did when I first arrived here. I always thought that this loneliness would go away once I get used to being here but it never does. It is still here with me. Believe it or not, I find it so difficult to make friends here. Most people I met are usually already in a tight-knit group and it is so hard to penetrate this circle and I'd just give up. I don't blame them though. They are usually much older than me (with husbands and families) or much younger (the undergrads). Sometimes I wish I'd have friends whom I can at least have a cup of coffee with, whenever I feel like it. The ones quite close to me, like Sharifah and Suraya, are all in the city and meeting them requires a careful planning (I live 40 minutes away from the city).

I guess that's why whenever I go home, even for a little while, I want to spend as much time with my friends as I could. But then I always forget that while I was away, they have built lives of their own too. They have gotten married, had babies, found love, found new friends, been busy with work, been studying hard and been busy with life in general. Most of the time, whatever plans I have with them would quickly be dashed and I would be disappointed, sometimes even angry. But yeah, who could I be angry to anyway? I can't blame them for going on with their lives while I was away. I can't expect them to be with me when I myself was never around in the first place.

And that's why I think the three years that I have left here is a very long time. Not in terms of my studies because I know that I am going to complain that I don't have enough time to finish my thesis but in terms of being here on my own. A lot of my colleagues back in UKM told me that PhD is a long and lonely journey. Now I know that they were not exaggerating.

ALONE.

God, I hate that word.

Please lah...

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." - Jane Austen's Emma

So please, just keep it to yourself and to your significant other. InsyaAllah one day you'll be married and then you can gloat all you want. But for now, I really don't want to know how and what you feel.

Thankyouverymuch.

Personal updates (as if anyone cares)

Hmm... PhD tak start lagi sebab kena tunggu visa dulu. Lambat lagi nak approve visa sebab medical check up boleh buat on the 13th of February. So ada la kena postpone PhD enrolment sampai bulan Mac kot. Tatau la. Ni Monash la ni punya pasal degil sangat tak nak release eCoE awal-awal haritu. Tapi tak kisah la. Bagus jugak start lambat. Ada masa nak baca buku.

Monash Asia Institute dah pindah ke Caulfield campus. Haish... takde orang bitau pun. Sekarang nak jumpa supervisor kena naik bus lah. Nasib baik ada free shuttle bus from Clayton to Caulfield and vice versa. Cuma sekarang jek la susah sikit sebab tengah cuti semester so bas tu tak berfungsi. So mahal la sikit kena naik public bus. Tapi takpe lah, sebulan jek. And we'll see after that. Maybe nak pindah rumah (again!) ke. Tengok lah. Duduk Caulfield pun apa salahnya. Dekat dengan city. Muahaha.

Azam permulaan PhD ni ialah jangan banyak tidur, jangan banyak main Internet and chatting, jangan banyak berangan, kurangkan bergayut. Kena rajin! Ayah dah pesan, Mak pun pesan. Semua orang pesan. Plus, my supervisors macam ada high expectation on me jek, so tak boleh la malas-malas dah. Dulu masa buat degree dengan PG Dip, memang bermalasan, especially masa degree. Tak pernah baca buku kalau bukan kerana exams or assignments. Masa PG Dip rajin sikit la sebab susah ooo belajar dengan Mat Salleh-Mat Salleh ni. Rasa tercabar sikit la. Alhamdulillah everything worked out fine.

I hate summer in Melbourne. It's so hot and dry. Tapi malam terus temperature drop from 30 plus to sometimes 18 degrees. Mana la tak sakit tekak or rasa nak demam. Horror! Last year was like this too. Tapi yang best summer ada banyak aktiviti best kat city. Ada Moonlight Cinema (tengok movie bawah kerlipan bintang - obviously this is in conjunction with Valentine's Day), Melbourne Symphony Orchestra Free Concerts, Moomba Festival, etc. Ala, Melbourne ni bila yang takde event eh? Tu yang agak-agak best duduk sini. Hehe.

I subscribed to Lebara Mobile. Now I can call Malaysia for $0.01 per minute (plus $0.20 flagfall). Lagi murah dari bergayut masa kat Malaysia! Woohoo! So far, it works fine cuma biasa la dah long-distance calls tu, kadang-kadang tak dapat connect la, tak clear la, bla bla bla. But yeah, this is the best so far. Tapi kena ingatkan diri supaya jangan bergayut sangat. Kata nak rajin kan??? Huhu.

Dah la, nak solat Maghrib. Now it's 8.45 pm and Maghrib baru masuk 10 minutes ago. Awesome or what? Huhu. Tapi Subuh nanti liat la nak bangun. Subuh pukul 4.50 am ye... Huhu.

Introducing...

... Muhammad Ammar bin Amin, born on the 25th of January 2010, at 9 pm, in The Hague, Netherlands. My first nephew. The first boy in the family after almost 22 years! =D Welcome, baby boy! Semoga menjadi anak yang soleh dan beriman.

Baby Ammar and his curious Kak Amni. Oh my God, they are soooo adorable. Now, Cik Woh has to collect money to visit both of you soon!

Terima kasih

... kerana telah menunaikan segala janji awak dan membuktikan sangkaan saya terhadap awak tidak benar.

... kerana berani menyuarakan isi hati.

... kerana berusaha membuatkan saya gembira.

... kerana ingat kata-kata saya walaupun saya selalu ingat awak pandang remeh perasaan saya.

... kerana berusaha menjadi lebih baik untuk saya.

... kerana berkorban selagi mampu untuk saya.

... kerana mahu saya menjadi lebih baik.

... kerana percayakan saya.

... kerana yakin dengan saya.

... kerana menegur kesilapan dan kejahilan saya.

... kerana melayan karenah saya.

... kerana melayan saya dengan baik.

... kerana sentiasa ada bersama saya.

Simply put, 1234.

Kenapa?

1. Kenapa bila orang tahu saya nak buat PhD dalam Literature in English, orang expect saya tere gile English? Fact is, no matter how good I may get in English, it will always be my second language. So I will always be learning. Always. So kalau salah cakap tu biasa la kan?

2. Kenapa ramai orang marah kalau kawan-kawan bertunang senyap-senyap? Ustaz Zahazan menyatakan bahawa hal bertunang (selagi hubungan belum halal) adalah hal peribadi dan tidak perlu diheboh-hebohkan sebab boleh menyebabkan fitnah.

3. Kenapa susah sangat orang nak angkat telefon bila kita call? Or even balas mesej. Or both.

4. Kenapa lelaki susah sangat nak faham perempuan? (Yes Maira, we discussed this in length last night - huhu) Kenapa dianggap perempuan itu terlalu emosional walaupun sebenarnya lelaki tu yang langsung tak sensitif?

5. Kenapa bila seseorang itu pergi barulah kita rasa kehilangan dia?

6. Kenapa saya rasa cerita 'Avatar' tu taklah best mana? Okaylah, CGI dia cool gila and I love the message it brings forth tapi well, other than that, cerita tu macam cerita Pocahontas jek. Huhu.

7. Kenapa orang suka kecoh-kecoh dalam Facebook? It's a social networking website that is supposed to be harmonious and friendly tapi kadang-kadang jadi menyemak pulak Facebook ni. Ustaz Zahazan kata, Facebook stands in between the fine line of Halal and Haram. Salah update status sikit atau salah letak gambar sikit pun dah jadi Haram. So better be careful with what we all share on it.

8. Kenapa orang yang bawa imej bertudung, bersopan dan ayu suka mengeluarkan kata-kata kesat? Harapkan muka dan penampilan je cantik tapi mulut tu agak-agak kena basuh dengan cili dulu kot.

9. Kenapa semakin pelik dunia ni? Earthquake in Haiti, extreme cold weather in Europe and extremely hot in other places. Gay marriages, kes bunuh pelik-pelik (like Gemencheh), kes accident teruk-teruk. Nauzubillah. May Allah protect us all from harm.

Friendship (or what's left of it)

What happened to the casual conversations?

What happened to stupid, silly jokes?

What happened to the late night talks?

What happened to all the sharing - from food to pillows to tooth paste to slippers to clothes to just about everything?

What happened to staying up all night to cram in last minute facts for the final exam at 9 am?

What happened to walking to class together?

What happened to impromptu movies and outings?

What happened to the 'slumber parties'?

What happened to looking at and crushing over cute (and most probably unreachable) guys?

The truth is, friends come and go all the time.

Sure, at first you try. Phone calls, text messages, get togethers. But eventually, it all goes down to these: the unanswered text messages, the unreturned phone calls, the cancelled meet ups and get togethers, the starting of a job, the making of new friends, the making of boyfriends and girlfriends and eventually husbands, wives and children, the chaos of work. So you have to give up.

And eventually, someone whom you were tight with becomes someone whom you used to know. Sure, you invite him/her to your wedding and perhaps even at the celebration of the birth of your first child. Then, it doesn't matter anymore.

Sad, isn't it?

Like any other relationship in the whole world, friendships need a two-way deal. It won't work if your friend is the only one trying hard to keep in touch with you. Neither will it work if your friend is always the one giving excuses and not returning calls. Eventually, the trying party will give up.

I've given up before. I regret it sometimes but I think I just might have to do it again. Like Humaira said, there's no point in being the only one with the whopping phone bill. Plus, we have all created different lives and they hardly intersect. We are only bonded by the past and it's hard to keep holding on to the past.

Kan?